“for what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. there’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. you can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. we can make the best or the worst of it. and i hope you see the things that startle you. i hope you feel things you never felt before. i hope you meet people with a different point of view. i hope you live a life your proud of. if you find that you’re not, i hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
-f. scott fitzgerald
i resolve to change nothing.
2017 was a year i could be proud of. i said yes when i wanted, or no when i didn’t. i traveled, and loved, and laughed. laughed a lot, actually. that’s part of the reason i chose the above photo from our trip to l.a. to do this post – i was laughing so hard at my sister because she was freaking out that i jumped up on this tiny ledge just to get a pic with the city in the background. it was a chance, and a memory i’ll probably never forget.
this isn’t to say that i didn’t struggle. because i did. a lot. but the struggle never outweighed the lessons or the memories. i feel like this is the first year (and i hate to be so cliché about this, but it is what it is) that i really felt like myself. part of it is that i stopped taking birth control in 2016, so my body is finally my body and i don’t feel as on edge as i used to, but there’s also the part that is that i wasn’t wasting away in a relationship that wasn’t meant for me. if my 20s were about being in fruitless relationships, then i hope that my 30s are about this feeling i have right now, sitting alone in my bed, reveling in the knowledge that i can create my own happiness. and by that i mean that if i never fall in love with another guy, i can still have all the things that i want and i can still leave the legacy that i wish to.
f. scott may have been a crappy husband and father, but he certainly knew his shit. we are completely in control of ourselves, if nothing else, and that is enough. there were a million times that i wished i could’ve been in a different situation, but i had to accept what i had to work with and just live. and evolve.
so, instead of resolutions, i instead intend to live this next year with resolve. i intend to continue to take chances, to put my heart on the line, to write, to love, to travel, and, most importantly, to grow. i intend to live with a kind heart and an open mind. i intend to live in such a way that when my time comes i leave this place better than when i arrived. i intend to live a life i’m proud of.
happy new year, y’all.