2018.

if you’re thinking i had a great 2018, just based on my top 9 photos on ig (above), well, then, you wouldn’t be too far from the truth. i did. there were some really great memories made. and i didn’t intend to do a recap of this year, or talk about how i’ve grown/learned/experienced life in 2018. honestly, it was the farthest thing from my mind in the last few weeks/couple of months. everything lately has been a whirlwind, and then suddenly i was sick and laid up for two weeks, and my mind doesn’t fare well when i’m still.

all of a sudden, everything felt incredibly difficult. and it was hard not to spend the last sunday of the year crying in bed, begging the universe to just give me a break, and a sign that everything would be ok. i finished a book. i snuggled with riley. and finally i went for ole faithful – the notebook in my nightstand.

as i was writing, i kept thinking, no one will want to read this (maybe in my mind it went more like, “no one should want to read this”). there’s too much sadness and hurt here. and you probably wonder why i would want to share this. i don’t – i’m a little embarrassed. but i am sharing it because it’s my truth. and one day, i want to be able to share that with my kids (if i’m ever lucky enough to have any). i want them to know it’s ok to feel a certain way, and that sometimes you have to let it off your chest to feel better.

so here we go:

i wish i could go back 14 years and do things over again.

i’m lying here, feeling sorry for myself. sad, lonely. i miss my friends. i wonder if i’m a good person or if i just think i am.

and it always comes down to “how did i get here?”

i’d do so many things differently. that softball tryout. i would’ve tried harder. gotten in shape after my surgery. i didn’t know i’d figure out 10 years later how much i love to run.

i wouldn’t have said that ugly thing to “d” at our last formal. i don’t even know why the words came out of my mouth.  she’s still my bestest friend.

wouldn’t have broken up with “j” in the way that i did (it was so wrong). still would’ve dated him. he was a sweetheart.

idk if i would do the “e” thing over again. there was a lot there, and he gave me Nola & riley. i definitely wouldn’t marry him. that was a mistake.

grad school, or law school, immediately after undergrad. i should’ve gone into publishing. i don’t think that would’ve brought me home though.

i should’ve come home that one thanksgiving. corinne was so upset. should’ve spent more time going to the movies with my sisters.

should’ve found collin before cz found me. should’ve found him before he went to arkansas (although maybe he needed that change of scenery). maybe we weren’t ready for each other then, but i wish i could know that for sure.

why does the world give you regret? and why does it hurt so much?

these are just a few of the things i have to forgive myself for. i’m know i’m not the only woman, or human being, or living animal in the world who feels like i’ve made my life exceptionally hard. i take full responsibility for the holes i’ve dug myself, leaving me in this funk of “when will it get better?” truth is, i don’t know. i don’t know if it will. maybe i’ll always feel tinges of regret (or, more accurately, guilt) for the things i did or didn’t do in my past.

so yes, while 2018 was a great year in so many ways, it was also a hard year. it was a year where i had to really look myself in the face and say, “ok, yes, this is where you are at now, and it’s so far from where you want to be, but you can get there.” i had to relearn to put my faith and trust in myself, and in my partner. i had to give a little more of myself than i was comfortable with in my relationship (and i’m really glad i did). i had to learn to take a step back for things not meant for me (walking away from backroad has been hard, but it’s really for the best) and stop putting so much pressure on myself.

i also had to realize that you can love someone with your whole heart, really want the best for them, even be willing to “take a bullet” for them, but you can’t continue to have a relationship with them if it feels toxic for you. constantly being told you’re not living up to their (incredibly high & unfair) expectations, being nitpicked all the time, feeling like they’re constantly judging you and your actions/interactions isn’t a great way to live – and sometimes you just have to let that person find their own way.

and now, i’m off to go find mine – here’s to a better 2019, y’all.

wishing you each the best 🙂