life update.

oh heyyyyy, y’all.

long time, no see.  i think we’ve done this enough times that i don’t need to go into specifics and details of why i’ve been m.i.a. – but just in case…

life, babes.  so much life.

i’m two weeks away from finishing up my paralegal certification course, and this semester has been heavy with homework (since i’m taking the class online).  the girls and i went on a cruise to costa maya and cozumel in early february.  we celebrated corinne’s birthday immediately upon our return, and then segued into rodeo season (i saw goo goo dolls, cam, brad paisley, and brothers osborne).  we attended the first botanical music festival at six flags.  SO MANY CONCERTS in the past few months.  like, i’m legit living my best musical life right now.  we also celebrated case’s birthday – she’s in her last year of her 20s!

let’s see…what else?

oh!  there’s a new (to you) guy – collin.  he’s the sweetest.  i won’t gush too much, we all know that’s not my style, but i’ve been into him for a long, long time, and it’s a little crazy and totally serendipitous that we have finally found each other at this point in our lives.  so, there’s that.

and i’m so happy.  incandescently happy.

we have been so busy the last couple of months, that i keep thinking i need to slow down and relax, but then more and more things come up.  for example, this weekend corinne’s best friend (who used to be casee’s best friend in hs, so has pretty much been family for the last 15 years or so) is getting married and we’re celebrating granny’s 79th birthday.  fiesta is on the horizon, so i’ll definitely be hitting up taste of nola, and maybe one or two other events.  later this month i’m heading up to dallas to reunite with some of the girls from rochester (which i’m really excited about, because i’ll be missing our reunion this year).  but honestly, i’m really looking forward to getting away somewhere quiet sometime soon with collin.  i think we both need it.

i’ll be back soon with more content, y’all.  pinky promise 😉

#MondayMotivation

healing is a process.  one that we sometimes don’t realize we’re in until it’s been completed.  as with all good things, it takes time.

my last relationship was a learning experience.  i learned the kind of person i didn’t want to be, and i learned the kind of person i didn’t want to put my faith into, and didn’t want or need to be a partner (i use that term loosely).

of course, i couldn’t do that if i kept looking over my shoulder.  i had to stare my future square in the eye and say, this is what i want, and this is what i don’t want, and this is how i plan to get there.  now, we all know that things don’t always go according to our plans, but having that determination and setting your sights on a goal can make such a difference in your healing process.  after a while, i was so far ahead of what i was trying to move away from, that it became just a blip in my past.  a thing i don’t even think about most days.

my point is this:  you find your strength when you learn to let go.  let go of your past, let go of people’s perception of you, let go of your regrets and your insecurities.  and what you have left over…that’s the person you’ve been looking for, all your life.

seesaw [excerpts from a book i’ll never write – twenty-one].

i think i love you.

but i wouldn’t dare say the words out loud.  wouldn’t dare speak them, or write them to you.

i think i loved you in a past life, too.  your soul feels like the other half of mine, which is impossible – because i am already whole, and yet, not.

knot – that’s what my stomach feels like when i feel you pull away, as i plunder forward, wanting more, always more.  ’til i plant my feet and say, “enough,” and retreat.  and we seesaw again.

new year’s day.

you can’t wait to wash the curls out.

they don’t feel like you.  you’ve always been more of a wave, slowly rolling, over and over, pushing some things out, pulling some things in.  you like your hair to match your spirit – wild, messy, not too perfect.

you thought the curls would lift your spirits, but they just made you feel less like you.  it was the perfect cold weather occasion, but you couldn’t shake the thought that you weren’t where you were meant to be.

so you’ll rinse the curls out, stand under the scalding hot water, let it strip away all the secrets you tried to hide in your hair, and start fresh.  isn’t that the way it’s meant to be this time of year, anyway?

#MondayMantra: happy new year!

“for what it’s worth:  it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.  there’s no time limit, stop whenever you want.  you can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.  we can make the best or the worst of it.  and i hope you see the things that startle you.  i hope you feel things you never felt before.  i hope you meet people with a different point of view.  i hope you live a life your proud of.  if you find that you’re not, i hope you have the courage to start all over again.”

-f. scott fitzgerald

i resolve to change nothing.

2017 was a year i could be proud of.  i said yes when i wanted, or no when i didn’t.  i traveled, and loved, and laughed.  laughed a lot, actually.  that’s part of the reason i chose the above photo from our trip to l.a. to do this post – i was laughing so hard at my sister because she was freaking out that i jumped up on this tiny ledge just to get a pic with the city in the background.  it was a chance, and a memory i’ll probably never forget.

this isn’t to say that i didn’t struggle.  because i did.  a lot.  but the struggle never outweighed the lessons or the memories.  i feel like this is the first year (and i hate to be so cliché about this, but it is what it is) that i really felt like myself.  part of it is that i stopped taking birth control in 2016, so my body is finally my body and i don’t feel as on edge as i used to, but there’s also the part that is that i wasn’t wasting away in a relationship that wasn’t meant for me.  if my 20s were about being in fruitless relationships, then i hope that my 30s are about this feeling i have right now, sitting alone in my bed, reveling in the knowledge that i can create my own happiness.  and by that i mean that if i never fall in love with another guy, i can still have all the things that i want and i can still leave the legacy that i wish to.

f. scott may have been a crappy husband and father, but he certainly knew his shit.  we are completely in control of ourselves, if nothing else, and that is enough.  there were a million times that i wished i could’ve been in a different situation, but i had to accept what i had to work with and just live.  and evolve.

so, instead of resolutions, i instead intend to live this next year with resolve.  i intend to continue to take chances, to put my heart on the line, to write, to love, to travel, and, most importantly, to grow.  i intend to live with a kind heart and an open mind.  i intend to live in such a way that when my time comes i leave this place better than when i arrived.  i intend to live a life i’m proud of.

happy new year, y’all.

the goodbye.

there are no tears left for you.

she cried them out so many months ago, so there’s nothing left to fight the hate-fires in her heart.  they just have to slowly burn out, like the love she used to have.

you lost her long before she cut you out.  you lost her long before the night she said things she couldn’t take back.  you lost her in the moments you chose not to be present, in the moments you chose dishonesty and secrecy, in the moments that you chose not to be public with your relationship.  she wondered if it was even real at all, or had she only just imagined it?

it was the little things that set her in motion, that rolled her closer and closer to a cliff she had no choice but to throw herself over in self-preservation.

and words were said, and regret was planted, and then she tried to make herself smaller to fit back into your closed off heart.  but you had already cracked it open for someone else, so she never was going to fit.

it’s done now.  she no longer misses you on sunday mornings.  she no longer holds her breath when she sees a truck that looks like yours.  she no longer hears a song and thinks of you.  your name isn’t the one she’s hoping for when her phone dings.  there’s no pebble-sized hole in her carefully guarded heart shaped especially for you.  there are only smoldering cinders, from pain gone up in flames.