on to something good.

i have classic oldest child syndrome.

i can’t fail.  of all the conversations i had with my parents growing up, the word that sticks out in my mind, the one that make the pit in my stomach heave and grow, is “disappointed”.  all the times i made mistakes, that word would rear it’s ugly head, and now it haunts me like the ghost of marley.  past, present, and future.  what would my life look like if things had happened differently?  if i had chosen differently?

i’ve got something going on.  something i’m not ready to talk about.  a good thing.  a really good thing if it turns out the way i hope it does.  and i’d be lying if i didn’t say that i’m not terrified of the outcome.  including day one, which is this weekend.  day one will measure my knowledge going into this new venture, and i’m so worried that i’ll be so far behind.

my anxiety kicked in hard this morning, as i finalized my plans and started preparing for this new path.  because i don’t want to fail (and let’s be honest, i’m more than a little competitive).  and i’m not sure if i’m going to get in over my head.  i’m nervous.  i’m scared.  but saying those words out loud is next to impossible for me.  so when i’ve talked to the handful of people in my life that know what i’m alluding to in this post, i downplay it.  a lot.  it’s easier to act blasé about it, then to admit that i’m not 100% sure i’m making the right choice, again.

it doesn’t help that i’ve felt listless lately.  i’m itching for a big change.  i feel blocked right now.  stumped.  stunted.  staring up at an immense wall.  well, here it is.

maybe i’m being a little dramatic (classic oldest child syndrome, y’all).

deep breath.  heart full of hope.  here i go…

monday motivation.

Pic from last October. Dress from Backroad Boutique.

i’m so glad i live in a world where there are octobers.

anne of green gables, l.m. montgomery

happy october, loves!  i’m a die-hard summer baby – give me the beach or a pool (or any body of water, let’s be honest) and a day full of sun and i’m a happy girl – but there’s something about this time of year that makes me feel incredibly content and cozy.  a new season brings all kinds of new possibilities.

it’s the perfect opportunity for all of us to reevaluate the things that are most important to us, and find ways to become more purposeful towards those things.  so clear out those negative people and negative conversations, say no when you want to (and especially when you need to), and surround yourself with good things and good people.

it’s friday!!!

i’m so glad it’s friday, y’all.  the last few days have been emotionally taxing.  i don’t think i can sit one more day calmly in front of my computer screen.

i think i’m having a really hard time with everything going on in the public sphere because there are certain people in my life whom i love and respect, who don’t understand where i’m coming from, why i wouldn’t want someone like kavanaugh to serve on the supreme court, why i wouldn’t want someone like 45 to be our current president, why that’s what i’m more concerned with than how pervasive dishonesty and greed is throughout the ranks of those highest in power in our government.

truth is, i’m a woman.  i’m a woman with brown skin.  i’m a woman with brown skin and a spanish last name.  who lives in a very red state.  and i’m afraid for our future.  i’m afraid for my children’s future.

i’m afraid that civility and respect are out the window.  i’m pained that other people of color have to constantly live in fear of their lives.  i think i may have been racially profiled the other day, and it was a harrowing, eye opening experience.  one i laughed about with my family later, but i realized that i finally experienced what immigrants may go through in their every day lives.  and if i wasn’t racially profiled, then i was probably sexually harassed by a man who, by nature of his job, has more power than i do.

i’m afraid that those people i mentioned earlier and i no longer have common ground.  i still love and respect them, but i’ve forgotten how to talk to them.  i want to save the world, and protect the underprivileged and oppressed, and show up for them every single day, and i want those people next to me when i do it.  but they aren’t.

it’s a shock to my core.  and my perception of my world.

i’m hoping to recharge this weekend.  and find a little joy in the upcoming fall season, fall decor, fall fashion.  we have football on the agenda, and i think i’m going to have to make my favorite chili recipe.

i hope you have a happy, safe, recharging weekend, loves.

xoCandice

  • amaretto sours used to be my drink of choice my senior year of college (thought i was so cool and elevated upgrading from a jack & coke, hahaha).  might need to try out this recipe with the holiday season coming quickly upon us.
  • because we all know i’m obsessed with crime dramas, i had to check out this list of “the best crime dramas to watch on netflix” from the everygirl.  i’ve seen about half of them, and am currently adding the other half to my queue, now.
  • so inspired by all the fall decor out there!  it doesn’t feel very much like fall outside, but it would be nice to at least make our house look like it does!  i especially love how alyson haley used leopard print and warm colors to make her home feel more cozy!
  • i’ve been hardcore looking for latina bloggers in san antonio to follow, because while i love each and every one of the accounts i currently follow, i still want to see fashion and stories from women who look like me, and live where i live (or at least in close proximity).  🙂  so, if you know of any, please send them my way in the comments below!
  • want.  //  need.

it happens. every day.

i was 5.  the kids in my kindergarten class started playing kiss-tag, where the boys would chase the girls around the playground and if a girl got caught, she got kissed.

i was 6.  we sat in groups on the floor during reading time.  a boy who was a friend would stick his hands under girls skirts.  mine, nicole’s, candace, jennifer’s.  where did he learn that behavior?

i was 12.  we had to get physicals from doctor’s the school recommended in order to play sports.  dad took me that day.  he didn’t know he had to go into the room with me.  i didn’t know i needed to ask the doctor to bring a nurse in.  the male doctor checked my lymph nodes.  i felt uncomfortable.

i was old enough to date.  i went to the movies with a boy.  afterwards we were kissing in the front seat of his parents car.  his hands were everywhere.  i said no.  we kept kissing. suddenly i felt his penis on my thigh.  i freaked out and asked him to take me home.  i never saw him after that.

i was 17.  a cyst ruptured on my ovary, causing me to bleed internally.  for hours i told the emts, firefighters, and medical staff that i was a virgin when they suggested it could be an ectopic pregnancy.  they told me i needed to tell the truth so that they diagnose whatever was causing my abdominal pain, and blood pressure to be so low, and the life to be slowly draining from my body.  i WAS A VIRGIN, but no one believed me.  i bled internally for over 12 hours before they realized a cyst had ruptured and they had to perform emergency surgery.

i was an adult, a college graduate, a divorcée.  i was running in the park.  a man in a car would sit watching as i ran by, then once i got out of view, he’d drive a little further up and park again where he could watch me run by.  this occurred for 2 miles.

i was at my best friend’s apartment.  we were in her pool, with a couple of kids whose mother was watching them from her pool chair.  across the street was an overgrown strip of land with trees that lined a railroad track on the other side.  do i really see what i think i’m seeing?  i squinted.  yes.  yes, i do see a man hiding in the brush, masturbating.  he ran when i got out of the pool staring in his direction, still wondering if my eyes deceived me.

i was at oysterbake.  i had shorts on, and i was walking through a crowd.  some person grabbed my ass as i walked by, and then disappeared into the crowd.  my bf at the time later asked me, “well, what were you wearing?”

it happened again in vegas, the weekend of my thirtieth birthday.  at a club on a crowded dance floor.  i whipped my head around, but the guy was already through the crowd.

i’m 32.  i don’t wear earphones when i go running.  i stop and watch every car that drives by me.  one man slowly drove by in a pickup truck, his phone pointed in my direction.

i stared down a man who was sitting across the street watching my sisters and i unload corinne’s truck one evening our parents were out of town.  when he drove off, i went inside and armed myself and then continued unloading the truck.

i get angry when my bf doesn’t leave the outside lights on when i am going to get home late at night before him.  i get angry when my family leaves the lights off at my parent’s house too, even if they are already home, even though they have security cameras.

these are the moments that stick out in my mind.   there are others, i’m sure, that i don’t remember.  and maybe one or two that i don’t want to talk about.  some of the ones i’ve written here today, i’ve never told anyone before.  i couldn’t tell you exact dates, but i remember certain details vividly, like what i was wearing, what i did afterwards.

these are just my experiences.  my sisters and my mother and my aunts and my grandmother’s have some of their own, i’m sure.  most women do.

we hope that you start listening to us.  we hope that you start believing us.  we want a world where our daughters and our sisters and our friends don’t have to keep looking over their back.  we want a world where all people feel empowered, and we don’t have to turn on our location services to go on dates, or training runs, or the gas station/grocery store.

my heart is with dr. christine blasey ford today.  my heart is with survivors everywhere, every day.

it’s friday!!!

on top of the world.

this week after my cousin’s wedding and our long vacation in the pnw has been rough.  i’m exhausted in a way i haven’t been in a while, and i’m having a hard time getting back to my daily routines.

i also feel refreshed in a way that i haven’t felt in a long time.  and that is worth any kind of jet lag or post-vacation blues i am feeling now.

i almost forgot how much i love going up north.  i was a northeast girl for five years (college and one year post-college) and every time i head north i am reminded of how green it is.  down here in texas, we have that bright blue, wide open sky, and beautiful hill country, but up north, it’s just canopy after canopy of green, green trees, and specifically in seattle and portland (where we spent last week), gorgeous views of the mountains.

it’s enough to make this nomad-girl’s heart flutter.

also, it was a week without serious allergies (how with all that greenery up there is beyond me, but i’m not asking any questions!), which i am paying for now!  but worth it, so worth it.

i’ll try to remember to share photos and stories from our trip.  we tried some really great food and did all the touristy things.  plus my cousin made for an absolutely beautiful bride, and we are all too happy to welcome her husband (eeeeek!) into our family!

i may not be on vacation anymore, but i’m really excited for this weekend.  hopefully i can recharge, but let’s be honest, my best friend is coming home for the weekend with her honey bunny and we are going to be taking in the UTSA football game and getting our food and drink on.  can’t wait to see her, she moved to houston about two months ago, so it’s been that long since i’ve seen her!

other than that, i’ll be half-marathon training, and trying not to buy any more books or clothes 🙂 but NO promises!

have a happy weekend, loves.

xoCandice

  • revamping my closet (again) and i’ve been on the hunt for the perfect boyfriend (or mom) jeans (because doesn’t anyone else get tired of trying to stuff their large calves into skinny jeans?  no?  just me?).  found these via the sister studio‘s IG story and i’m a true believer.  these are comfy, stretchy, fun, and right now they’re just under $20 with code women20 (reg. $22).
  • i’m a sucker for a good forest-smelling candle.  we picked this one up at pike place market while we were in seattle.
  • i ordered where the crawdads sing approximately two days before reese witherspoon named it as her september book of the month.  i’m slowly getting through it (because, life), but i was hooked by owens’ lyrical prose by, like, page 8.  (i’ll try to share the exact passage that won me over soon!)
  • art of ice cream is coming to austin (just a short hour and a half drive from san antonio), so i have to go!  i’ll take any excuse to make myself sick with ice cream and all the sprinkles lol!
  • just signed up for the Epilepsy Foundation Central & South Texas‘ annual Superhero 5k with my fam!  $5 off registration if you sign up Sept. 21-23 with cold FL18.
  • want.  //  need.

#MondayMantra

everyday magic

the best parts of my weekend consisted of spending the day with both of my sisters on saturday, and then helping my parents build their deck on sunday.  and sleeping twelve hours on saturday night, after a long day at the helotes marketplace.

it would be easy to gripe about my long weekend, to complain that i never have time to myself or i’m always on the go.  that’s a life i enjoy, being in constant motion, so to complain about it would be hypocritical.  so when a little bit of that crankiness from not having time to relax began to settle in, i rerouted my thoughts and remembered how happy, how content, how focused i was in the moments i spent with my family, working towards a common goal.

it’s so important to find the magic in every day life.  there’s so much out there right now that can get us down, and it feels like we’re all moving at the speed of light.  it’s hard to see the stars shinin’ under the storm brewin’ sometimes.

but y’all, the magic is always there.  sometimes you just gotta look for it, sometimes you gotta make it yourself.

idk about you, but i’m feeling 32.

[title is an obvious reference to t.swift’s “22”]

31 has come and gone.  you would think by now i’d be an older, wiser version of myself, but nope.  with 32 came the same ol’, same ol’.  for example, i spent my birthday getting too much sun and drinking too much tequila, and by the end of the night i had lost my entire makeup bag.  yup…all $600+ of products, gone.

so, now, as i have done in the past with other losses, i’m trying to rebuild.  this time it’s not as serious as say when i had my heart broken a few weeks after my 30th birthday, but still…same ol’, same ol’.

everything is a lesson right?

i’ve spent the past month doing a whole lot of adult-y type things – vacationing for the weekend in port a/rockport with my honey, my best friend & her bf, moving into a new home with my honey, buying necessities for said-home (who knew a person could get so excited over a new stainless steel step-can?), planning trips for my cousin’s bachelorette & wedding – it’s been a busy month, i guess.  but i still don’t feel like an adult.  i still called my dad when my tire went flat.  i still call my mom when i feel under the weather.  i still don’t want to clean up the kitchen after i destroy it making dinner.

is it our vanity that forces us to search for signs of “adulthood”?  am i not making it in life because i let my dishes sit in the sink overnight (not all of them, just the ones i was too tired to wash after spending several hours standing in the kitchen)?  why is that how we measure our worth?

i love that i’m still a little scatterbrained.  it’s not fun having to repurchase all my favorite beauty products, but the backstory is a little hilarious.  i don’t mind laughing at myself, i guess.

maybe that’s the wisdom i want to impart as i move (more slowly than usual) into 32 years of life.  you gotta be willing to laugh at yourself sometimes, because life comes at you fast, and it’s not always pretty and it’s not always easy.  it’s all about how you react…take it in stride.  🙂

happy hump day, y’all!