the goodbye.

there are no tears left for you.

she cried them out so many months ago, so there’s nothing left to fight the hate-fires in her heart.  they just have to slowly burn out, like the love she used to have.

you lost her long before she cut you out.  you lost her long before the night she said things she couldn’t take back.  you lost her in the moments you chose not to be present, in the moments you chose dishonesty and secrecy, in the moments that you chose not to be public with your relationship.  she wondered if it was even real at all, or had she only just imagined it?

it was the little things that set her in motion, that rolled her closer and closer to a cliff she had no choice but to throw herself over in self-preservation.

and words were said, and regret was planted, and then she tried to make herself smaller to fit back into your closed off heart.  but you had already cracked it open for someone else, so she never was going to fit.

it’s done now.  she no longer misses you on sunday mornings.  she no longer holds her breath when she sees a truck that looks like yours.  she no longer hears a song and thinks of you.  your name isn’t the one she’s hoping for when her phone dings.  there’s no pebble-sized hole in her carefully guarded heart shaped especially for you.  there are only smoldering cinders, from pain gone up in flames.

wristbands on the bedroom floor.

i picked a concert wristband up off of my bedroom floor, and a memory hit me like a freight train:

two concert wristbands on the floor by his bed, torn from the wrist and lazily thrown aside the night before after the chris young concert at the rodeo.

i asked him why there were two, and he replied he took one off for his sister.  but why were they in his room, if he walked past the trash can? for some reason my gut didn’t believe him, but my heart chose to.

another memory:

months earlier, lying in bed at his place, he tore a concert wristband off his wrist, reached over and tore mine off, too.  he threw them both on the floor, then wrapped his arms around me.  warm and safe, i fell asleep.

***

i have to keep reminding myself he never loved me.  even in the moments i think he did, i have to tell myself that those feelings i had aren’t true.  there was no intention on his part of the relationship.  there was never a chance for a happily-ever-after.  i was just another two year passage of time for him.  those are the feelings i’m left with.

he would tell me i hate him.  i used to say that i didn’t, but i’m not so sure that’s true.  hatred is such a strong, passionate word.  the older i get, the harder it is to produce that emotion.  but when i think of the time i could’ve spent getting to know someone else, someone who intended to be a partner, a best friend, a soul mate…i hate him for taking that from me.

***

in the moments i allow myself to wish and hope, i dream of a man who wants to go to concerts with me.  someone who gets lost in the music like i do.  someone who hears the poetry beyond the lyrics of a pretty song, in the moments of “i love yous” and sunday morning breakfasts with the radio on.  someone who won’t make me afraid to put pen to paper for fear that my pages and posts will fill with angry, hurt, vulnerable words and memories i’d much rather forget.

i’d rather forget you, than hate you.

#MondayMantra

i promise i haven’t forgotten y’all.  i’ve just been struggling with my voice lately.  there’s so much i want to say, and so much i don’t want to say, and it’s hard to toe the line between the two.  but i promise to make more of an effort, even just for my own sanity, because it’s really hard to focus with all the words jumbled up in my mind.

i used to think that you had to hold back and wait for special moments to do things that felt special, like drinking an expensive glass of wine, or admitting how much a person means to you, but i don’t believe that anymore.  sometimes i give way more of myself than feels comfortable, and for a minute or two i wish i hadn’t, but i’ve learned that moments are fleeting, and things could change without a second’s notice.  and i’ve learned that there’s courage in being open and honest, and sometimes it just makes you feel good to say the words out loud (or over text) and know that you gave yourself a fighting chance.

so now, i book the flights/hotels/roadtrips when the fancy strikes, and i burn the expensive candle because i love the way it smells and that sensory experience warms my heart, and i buy last minute tickets to a concert out-of-town because live music is my happiest place.  and maybe i’m still alone, and maybe i’m a little bit lonely (even when i’m with my loved ones), but i know how to make myself happy and that’s enough for me.

#MondayMantra

pay it forward, babes.

i love that this season is about giving, so much more than receiving.  my sisters and i are looking for ways to give back to our community, and i’m incredibly grateful that i have the ability to do so, that our parents raised us to feel like it was important to do so, and that i have two partners-in-crime to give back with.  i’m a firm believer in “it-takes-a-village” and it couldn’t show more true than this time of year.

so do the good deeds, babes.  lift each other up.  think of all the women who came before you.  think of the ones you look up to.  aspire to be as great, and as strong as they are/were.  share that passion and dedication with the men and women who come after you.  you’ll be surprised how much of a difference you can make in someone else’s life, just by believing in and supporting them.  🙂

the parts. [excerpts from a book i’ll never write – nineteen.]

some part of me is conscious of loving you.  in another life, in another world, in the future – i don’t know.  i just know i feel it in my bones.  i think you do, too, but it lies under your insecurity, your fear of the unknown.

some part of me would love nothing more than to never utter your name again.  somehow i feel like it give you power – not over me, but over my heart in a way.  in a way that keeps me from putting all the pieces back together again.

some part of me is far too tired to keep going.  that’s the farthest, deepest part of my self.  the part that is buried under stubbornness, drive, diligence, pride.  the part that lies under wanderlust and innocent wonder.

#MondayMantra

baby girl, ain’t a one of us who has time for half-assed ANYthing.  whether it be friendship, workouts, projects, or a relationship.  you have to look at it from an all-or-nothing point-of-view to determine if it’s worth your time and effort.

some people are afraid of taking the plunge into something because they can’t control the outcome (i’m one of these people, too, in some instances).  they’re worried that they’ll ruin whatever good thing they already have, or that they’ll lose more than they’ll gain.  now, we can and will never be able to 100% predict the outcome of any action or inaction.  there are far too many what-ifs to be entirely accurate.  so why hold back?  why deny yourself the chance of something greater than your current situation because there’s a chance it could go bad?

i think what i need, or want, or am looking for, is a knight and a sword.  someone who is ready and willing to ride into battle with me, but also ready and willing to ride into battle for me.  someone who understands that sometimes “i’m tired,” means that i haven’t had enough sleep because of all the things i’m involved in, and sometimes “i’m tired,” means that i’m figuratively tired of doing all the things that i have to do on my own or without much help or appreciation, and just need a hug, a good meal, a beer, and a netflix binge.  i haven’t experienced that kind of love, yet.

what i have experienced a lot of is half-assed lovers.  people who were too afraid to lose what i brought to the table, and who weren’t willing to put in 100% effort to create a bond that is unbreakable.  now, i believe in seasons in life.  i believe that sometimes we meet a person who is good for us in the moment that we are in, but they aren’t always meant to move on with us to the next season.  but i also believe in a forever kind of love. i believe in a partnership rooted in taking a chance, in the adventurous spirit, in magic mixed with enough mayhem to change your life’s course.

i’m good with how i handle the good and bad in my life, right now, in this season of my life, where i am enjoying being on my own and rediscovering who i am.  but i know there’s someone out there who i want to share that with, too.  and i think it’s ok to be a little bit picky about who that person is, especially because i’ve waited so long to share my life with them.

so, ask yourself, is there any area in your life (or love-life) that feels like it’s not at 100%?  if so, then i challenge you to do something about it.  maybe that means you move on from it, maybe that means you prioritize it more in your routine.  but don’t just let it dwindle under half-assed attention, love.  you’ll feel so much lighter if you take the time to give the things that are important to you more attention, and rid yourself of the things (or the people) that you can do without.