Plans for the new year:

to go in hand with my 2018 post – i also had no plans for resolutions. i can only resolve to be a better version of myself, every. single. day. and so here’s a list of things that i think will help me accomplish that goal.

  1. Write more. Determined to give myself 30 minutes of free writing a day
  2. Read more. Two (or more) books a month. Book list coming soon!
  3. Walk with Collin and Riley more. We have so much land to explore, I definitely want to take more advantage of it.
  4. Knock off 11 more minutes from my half-marathon PR. I already shaved off 4 minutes from 2017 to 2018.
  5. Really just have a better workout plan. I use the BBG app sporadically, and Collin and I try to make it to the park most nights (although not lately since we’ve both been sick, and I had some family in the hospital – it was hard to keep up).
  6. Make more of an effort to see my friends. It’s been a lonely time in San Antonio for me. Not that I take Collin or my family for granted, but I miss happy hours with Melissa, and I’ve really been missing my girlfriends from college. Two of them live within driving distance, so I really have no excuse not to see them! Plus, I really want them to meet Collin.
  7. Stop being so hard on myself. I’m my harshest critic. I even criticize myself for other people! I spent a good part of the last year feeling like I was failing and flailing, but truthfully I was just adjusting to being in a relationship, and moving in with Collin, and figuring out how to move forward in my career. I have to make a concentrated effort to breathe (which, being active really helps me with!).
  8. To go hand-in-hand with being kinder to myself, I also need to work on trying not to do it all. I’ve really run myself ragged some months, trying not to let anyone down, or overwhelming myself with stress, and it affected my relationships with other people, and myself. I’m still not one for binge-watching Netflix all day, but taking a few hours a week to just sit and be still is one of my priorities for this year.
  9. Financial responsibility. I’ve been sitting on my retirement from working for the state for too long, and really need to transfer it to my bank. Also, just set up a better method for keeping my emergency savings, travel savings, gift savings, etc., because sometimes it’s hard to keep track of it all.
  10. Spend more time with my grandparents! At the end of 2018, both of my grandmothers were sick, my Mom was in the hospital, and then I was sick for two weeks. It really put things into perspective for me, as far as how little time we have with our loved ones, and how important it is to take care of ourselves, and each other.

Bonus: Go on a trip with Collin. So far we’ve traveled with my family, Melissa & her bf, and his Mom, but we haven’t really gone somewhere new, just the two of us.


if you’re thinking i had a great 2018, just based on my top 9 photos on ig (above), well, then, you wouldn’t be too far from the truth. i did. there were some really great memories made. and i didn’t intend to do a recap of this year, or talk about how i’ve grown/learned/experienced life in 2018. honestly, it was the farthest thing from my mind in the last few weeks/couple of months. everything lately has been a whirlwind, and then suddenly i was sick and laid up for two weeks, and my mind doesn’t fare well when i’m still.

all of a sudden, everything felt incredibly difficult. and it was hard not to spend the last sunday of the year crying in bed, begging the universe to just give me a break, and a sign that everything would be ok. i finished a book. i snuggled with riley. and finally i went for ole faithful – the notebook in my nightstand.

as i was writing, i kept thinking, no one will want to read this (maybe in my mind it went more like, “no one should want to read this”). there’s too much sadness and hurt here. and you probably wonder why i would want to share this. i don’t – i’m a little embarrassed. but i am sharing it because it’s my truth. and one day, i want to be able to share that with my kids (if i’m ever lucky enough to have any). i want them to know it’s ok to feel a certain way, and that sometimes you have to let it off your chest to feel better.

so here we go:

i wish i could go back 14 years and do things over again.

i’m lying here, feeling sorry for myself. sad, lonely. i miss my friends. i wonder if i’m a good person or if i just think i am.

and it always comes down to “how did i get here?”

i’d do so many things differently. that softball tryout. i would’ve tried harder. gotten in shape after my surgery. i didn’t know i’d figure out 10 years later how much i love to run.

i wouldn’t have said that ugly thing to “d” at our last formal. i don’t even know why the words came out of my mouth.  she’s still my bestest friend.

wouldn’t have broken up with “j” in the way that i did (it was so wrong). still would’ve dated him. he was a sweetheart.

idk if i would do the “e” thing over again. there was a lot there, and he gave me Nola & riley. i definitely wouldn’t marry him. that was a mistake.

grad school, or law school, immediately after undergrad. i should’ve gone into publishing. i don’t think that would’ve brought me home though.

i should’ve come home that one thanksgiving. corinne was so upset. should’ve spent more time going to the movies with my sisters.

should’ve found collin before cz found me. should’ve found him before he went to arkansas (although maybe he needed that change of scenery). maybe we weren’t ready for each other then, but i wish i could know that for sure.

why does the world give you regret? and why does it hurt so much?

these are just a few of the things i have to forgive myself for. i’m know i’m not the only woman, or human being, or living animal in the world who feels like i’ve made my life exceptionally hard. i take full responsibility for the holes i’ve dug myself, leaving me in this funk of “when will it get better?” truth is, i don’t know. i don’t know if it will. maybe i’ll always feel tinges of regret (or, more accurately, guilt) for the things i did or didn’t do in my past.

so yes, while 2018 was a great year in so many ways, it was also a hard year. it was a year where i had to really look myself in the face and say, “ok, yes, this is where you are at now, and it’s so far from where you want to be, but you can get there.” i had to relearn to put my faith and trust in myself, and in my partner. i had to give a little more of myself than i was comfortable with in my relationship (and i’m really glad i did). i had to learn to take a step back for things not meant for me (walking away from backroad has been hard, but it’s really for the best) and stop putting so much pressure on myself.

i also had to realize that you can love someone with your whole heart, really want the best for them, even be willing to “take a bullet” for them, but you can’t continue to have a relationship with them if it feels toxic for you. constantly being told you’re not living up to their (incredibly high & unfair) expectations, being nitpicked all the time, feeling like they’re constantly judging you and your actions/interactions isn’t a great way to live – and sometimes you just have to let that person find their own way.

and now, i’m off to go find mine – here’s to a better 2019, y’all.

wishing you each the best ūüôā

happy new year!

be open-minded and open-hearted. don’t be afraid to pursue the things (or people) you want. dare greatly. live your daydream. don’t be afraid to fail or to fall, you never know where it might lead. always hug your momma, give your dog a pet on the way out the door, and take a minute to look up at the night sky.

you get one life, babes. make 2019 your best year!

it’s friday!!!

my bestest friend.

last night, in bed, crying to myself, for who even knows what, other than just being exhausted, feeling overwhelmed, worrying about the future (mine, our country’s, the world’s) i had a moment of clarity. ¬†had i not made the choices i had made, i might not have had the opportunity to have riley in my life (and this dog is sort of always my saving grace). ¬†and that realization sort of trickled into a few others. ¬†and slowly i started to relax, and to feel grateful again.

i’ve written on here a handful of times, that my path has always been a lesson, that i’ve always ended up in the place where i was meant to be. ¬†and i believe that, truly i do. ¬†it’s been hard, and it might get harder, but i always find a way to get through it. ¬†and that’s what i need to focus on. ¬†my strength.

it’s not a quick fix, and trust me, i am still feeling exhausted, and overwhelmed, and worried, but i know i’ll get through it. ¬†i know i’ll get to the other side of this feeling. ¬†one step at a time (like how i chose to avoid the news this morning, because i’ve had enough of hearing about kavanaugh for a lifetime…oh wait).

in other news, this weekend is my 10 year college reunion, and i’m pretty bummed i’ll be missing out (collin and i were supposed to be heading to mexico this weekend, but our plans changed). ¬†backroad boutique will be live and in-person at the marketplace in old town helotes on saturday from 10 am – 5 pm (i’ll be showing up late). ¬†we have a couple of new items coming in soon, that we can’t wait to share with our customers!

all i want to do this weekend is relax and decorate our house for fall, but we all know that’s not going to happen. ¬†hopefully sunday i’ll get some down time between running and meal prepping!

i hope y’all have a happy and recharging weekend, loves! ¬†on monday, we keep chugging along to midterms…


on to something good.

i have classic oldest child syndrome.

i can’t fail. ¬†of all the conversations i had with my parents growing up, the word that sticks out in my mind, the one that make the pit in my stomach heave and grow, is “disappointed”. ¬†all the times i made mistakes, that word would rear it’s ugly head, and now it haunts me like the ghost of marley. ¬†past, present, and future. ¬†what would my life look like if things had happened differently?¬† if i had chosen differently?

i’ve got something going on. ¬†something i’m not ready to talk about. ¬†a good thing. ¬†a really good thing if it turns out the way i hope it does. ¬†and i’d be lying if i didn’t say that i’m not terrified of the outcome. ¬†including day one, which is this weekend. ¬†day one will measure my knowledge going into this new venture, and i’m so worried that i’ll be so far behind.

my anxiety kicked in hard this morning, as i finalized my plans and started preparing for this new path. ¬†because i don’t want to fail (and let’s be honest, i’m more than a little competitive).¬† and i’m not sure if i’m going to get in over my head.¬† i’m nervous.¬† i’m scared.¬† but saying those words out loud is next to impossible for me.¬† so when i’ve talked to the handful of people in my life that know what i’m alluding to in this post, i downplay it.¬† a lot.¬† it’s easier to act blas√© about it, then to admit that i’m not 100% sure i’m making the right choice, again.

it doesn’t help that i’ve felt listless lately.¬† i’m itching for a big change.¬† i feel blocked right now.¬† stumped.¬† stunted.¬† staring up at an immense wall.¬† well, here it is.

maybe i’m being a little dramatic (classic oldest child syndrome, y’all).

deep breath.¬† heart full of hope.¬† here i go…

it happens. every day.

i was 5.  the kids in my kindergarten class started playing kiss-tag, where the boys would chase the girls around the playground and if a girl got caught, she got kissed.

i was 6. ¬†we sat in groups on the floor during reading time. ¬†a boy who was a friend would stick his hands under girls skirts. ¬†mine, nicole’s, candace, jennifer’s. ¬†where did he learn that behavior?

i was 12. ¬†we had to get physicals from doctor’s the school recommended in order to play sports. ¬†dad took me that day. ¬†he didn’t know he had to go into the room with me. ¬†i didn’t know i needed to ask the doctor to bring a nurse in. ¬†the male doctor checked my lymph nodes. ¬†i felt uncomfortable.

i was old enough to date.  i went to the movies with a boy.  afterwards we were kissing in the front seat of his parents car.  his hands were everywhere.  i said no.  we kept kissing. suddenly i felt his penis on my thigh.  i freaked out and asked him to take me home.  i never saw him after that.

i was 17.  a cyst ruptured on my ovary, causing me to bleed internally.  for hours i told the emts, firefighters, and medical staff that i was a virgin when they suggested it could be an ectopic pregnancy.  they told me i needed to tell the truth so that they diagnose whatever was causing my abdominal pain, and blood pressure to be so low, and the life to be slowly draining from my body.  i WAS A VIRGIN, but no one believed me.  i bled internally for over 12 hours before they realized a cyst had ruptured and they had to perform emergency surgery.

i was an adult, a college graduate, a divorc√©e. ¬†i was running in the park. ¬†a man in a car would sit watching as i ran by, then once i got out of view, he’d drive a little further up and park again where he could watch me run by. ¬†this occurred for 2 miles.

i was at my best friend’s apartment. ¬†we were in her pool, with a couple of kids whose mother was watching them from her pool chair. ¬†across the street was an overgrown strip of land with trees that lined a railroad track on the other side. ¬†do i really see what i think i’m seeing? ¬†i squinted. ¬†yes. ¬†yes, i do see a man hiding in the brush, masturbating. ¬†he ran when i got out of the pool staring in his direction, still wondering if my eyes deceived me.

i was at oysterbake. ¬†i had shorts on, and i was walking through a crowd. ¬†some person grabbed my ass as i walked by, and then disappeared into the crowd. ¬†my bf at the time later asked me, “well, what were you wearing?”

it happened again in vegas, the weekend of my thirtieth birthday.  at a club on a crowded dance floor.  i whipped my head around, but the guy was already through the crowd.

i’m 32. ¬†i don’t wear earphones when i go running. ¬†i stop and watch every car that drives by me. ¬†one man slowly drove by in a pickup truck, his phone pointed in my direction.

i stared down a man who was sitting across the street watching my sisters and i unload corinne’s truck one evening our parents were out of town. ¬†when he drove off, i went inside and armed myself and then continued unloading the truck.

i get angry when my bf doesn’t leave the outside lights on when i am going to get home late at night before him. ¬†i get angry when my family leaves the lights off at my parent’s house too, even if they are already home, even though they have security cameras.

these are the moments that stick out in my mind. ¬† there are others, i’m sure, that i don’t remember. ¬†and maybe one or two that i don’t want to talk about. ¬†some of the ones i’ve written here today, i’ve never told anyone before. ¬†i couldn’t tell you exact dates, but i remember certain details vividly, like what i was wearing, what i did afterwards.

these are just my experiences. ¬†my sisters and my mother and my aunts and my grandmother’s have some of their own, i’m sure. ¬†most women do.

we hope that you start listening to us. ¬†we hope that you start believing us. ¬†we want a world where our daughters and our sisters and our friends don’t have to keep looking over their back. ¬†we want a world where all people feel empowered, and we don’t have to turn on our location services to go on dates, or training runs, or the gas station/grocery store.

my heart is with dr. christine blasey ford today.  my heart is with survivors everywhere, every day.

it’s friday!!!

on top of the world.

this week after my cousin’s wedding and our long vacation in the pnw has been rough. ¬†i’m exhausted in a way i haven’t been in a while, and i’m having a hard time getting back to my daily routines.

i also feel refreshed in a way that i haven’t felt in a long time. ¬†and that is worth any kind of jet lag or post-vacation blues i am feeling now.

i almost forgot how much i love going up north. ¬†i was a northeast girl for five years (college and one year post-college) and every time i head north i am reminded of how green it is. ¬†down here in texas, we have that bright blue, wide open sky, and beautiful hill country, but up north, it’s just canopy after canopy of green, green trees, and specifically in seattle and portland (where we spent last week), gorgeous views of the mountains.

it’s enough to make this nomad-girl’s heart flutter.

also, it was a week without serious allergies (how with all that greenery up there is beyond me, but i’m not asking any questions!), which i am paying for now! ¬†but worth it, so worth it.

i’ll try to remember to share photos and stories from our trip. ¬†we tried some really great food and did all the touristy things. ¬†plus my cousin made for an absolutely beautiful bride, and we are all too happy to welcome her husband (eeeeek!) into our family!

i may not be on vacation anymore, but i’m really excited for this weekend. ¬†hopefully i can recharge, but let’s be honest, my best friend is coming home for the weekend with her honey bunny and we are going to be taking in the UTSA football game and getting our food and drink on. ¬†can’t wait to see her, she moved to houston about two months ago, so it’s been that long since i’ve seen her!

other than that, i’ll be half-marathon training, and trying not to buy any more books or clothes ūüôā but NO promises!

have a happy weekend, loves.


  • revamping my closet (again) and i’ve been on the hunt for the perfect boyfriend (or mom) jeans (because doesn’t anyone else get tired of trying to stuff their large calves into skinny jeans? ¬†no? ¬†just me?). ¬†found these via the sister studio‘s IG story and i’m a true believer. ¬†these are comfy, stretchy, fun, and right now they’re just under $20 with code women20 (reg. $22).
  • i’m a sucker for a good forest-smelling candle. ¬†we picked this one up at pike place market while we were in seattle.
  • i ordered¬†where the crawdads sing approximately two days before reese witherspoon named it as her september book of the month. ¬†i’m slowly getting through it (because, life), but i was hooked by owens’ lyrical prose by, like, page 8. ¬†(i’ll try to share the exact passage that won me over soon!)
  • art of ice cream is coming to austin (just a short hour and a half drive from san antonio), so i have to go! ¬†i’ll take any excuse to make myself sick with ice cream and all the sprinkles lol!
  • just signed up for the Epilepsy Foundation Central & South Texas‘ annual Superhero 5k with my fam! ¬†$5 off registration if you sign up Sept. 21-23 with cold FL18.
  • want. ¬†// ¬†need.