it’s friday!!!

my bestest friend.

last night, in bed, crying to myself, for who even knows what, other than just being exhausted, feeling overwhelmed, worrying about the future (mine, our country’s, the world’s) i had a moment of clarity.  had i not made the choices i had made, i might not have had the opportunity to have riley in my life (and this dog is sort of always my saving grace).  and that realization sort of trickled into a few others.  and slowly i started to relax, and to feel grateful again.

i’ve written on here a handful of times, that my path has always been a lesson, that i’ve always ended up in the place where i was meant to be.  and i believe that, truly i do.  it’s been hard, and it might get harder, but i always find a way to get through it.  and that’s what i need to focus on.  my strength.

it’s not a quick fix, and trust me, i am still feeling exhausted, and overwhelmed, and worried, but i know i’ll get through it.  i know i’ll get to the other side of this feeling.  one step at a time (like how i chose to avoid the news this morning, because i’ve had enough of hearing about kavanaugh for a lifetime…oh wait).

in other news, this weekend is my 10 year college reunion, and i’m pretty bummed i’ll be missing out (collin and i were supposed to be heading to mexico this weekend, but our plans changed).  backroad boutique will be live and in-person at the marketplace in old town helotes on saturday from 10 am – 5 pm (i’ll be showing up late).  we have a couple of new items coming in soon, that we can’t wait to share with our customers!

all i want to do this weekend is relax and decorate our house for fall, but we all know that’s not going to happen.  hopefully sunday i’ll get some down time between running and meal prepping!

i hope y’all have a happy and recharging weekend, loves!  on monday, we keep chugging along to midterms…

xoCandice

on to something good.

i have classic oldest child syndrome.

i can’t fail.  of all the conversations i had with my parents growing up, the word that sticks out in my mind, the one that make the pit in my stomach heave and grow, is “disappointed”.  all the times i made mistakes, that word would rear it’s ugly head, and now it haunts me like the ghost of marley.  past, present, and future.  what would my life look like if things had happened differently?  if i had chosen differently?

i’ve got something going on.  something i’m not ready to talk about.  a good thing.  a really good thing if it turns out the way i hope it does.  and i’d be lying if i didn’t say that i’m not terrified of the outcome.  including day one, which is this weekend.  day one will measure my knowledge going into this new venture, and i’m so worried that i’ll be so far behind.

my anxiety kicked in hard this morning, as i finalized my plans and started preparing for this new path.  because i don’t want to fail (and let’s be honest, i’m more than a little competitive).  and i’m not sure if i’m going to get in over my head.  i’m nervous.  i’m scared.  but saying those words out loud is next to impossible for me.  so when i’ve talked to the handful of people in my life that know what i’m alluding to in this post, i downplay it.  a lot.  it’s easier to act blasé about it, then to admit that i’m not 100% sure i’m making the right choice, again.

it doesn’t help that i’ve felt listless lately.  i’m itching for a big change.  i feel blocked right now.  stumped.  stunted.  staring up at an immense wall.  well, here it is.

maybe i’m being a little dramatic (classic oldest child syndrome, y’all).

deep breath.  heart full of hope.  here i go…

it happens. every day.

i was 5.  the kids in my kindergarten class started playing kiss-tag, where the boys would chase the girls around the playground and if a girl got caught, she got kissed.

i was 6.  we sat in groups on the floor during reading time.  a boy who was a friend would stick his hands under girls skirts.  mine, nicole’s, candace, jennifer’s.  where did he learn that behavior?

i was 12.  we had to get physicals from doctor’s the school recommended in order to play sports.  dad took me that day.  he didn’t know he had to go into the room with me.  i didn’t know i needed to ask the doctor to bring a nurse in.  the male doctor checked my lymph nodes.  i felt uncomfortable.

i was old enough to date.  i went to the movies with a boy.  afterwards we were kissing in the front seat of his parents car.  his hands were everywhere.  i said no.  we kept kissing. suddenly i felt his penis on my thigh.  i freaked out and asked him to take me home.  i never saw him after that.

i was 17.  a cyst ruptured on my ovary, causing me to bleed internally.  for hours i told the emts, firefighters, and medical staff that i was a virgin when they suggested it could be an ectopic pregnancy.  they told me i needed to tell the truth so that they diagnose whatever was causing my abdominal pain, and blood pressure to be so low, and the life to be slowly draining from my body.  i WAS A VIRGIN, but no one believed me.  i bled internally for over 12 hours before they realized a cyst had ruptured and they had to perform emergency surgery.

i was an adult, a college graduate, a divorcée.  i was running in the park.  a man in a car would sit watching as i ran by, then once i got out of view, he’d drive a little further up and park again where he could watch me run by.  this occurred for 2 miles.

i was at my best friend’s apartment.  we were in her pool, with a couple of kids whose mother was watching them from her pool chair.  across the street was an overgrown strip of land with trees that lined a railroad track on the other side.  do i really see what i think i’m seeing?  i squinted.  yes.  yes, i do see a man hiding in the brush, masturbating.  he ran when i got out of the pool staring in his direction, still wondering if my eyes deceived me.

i was at oysterbake.  i had shorts on, and i was walking through a crowd.  some person grabbed my ass as i walked by, and then disappeared into the crowd.  my bf at the time later asked me, “well, what were you wearing?”

it happened again in vegas, the weekend of my thirtieth birthday.  at a club on a crowded dance floor.  i whipped my head around, but the guy was already through the crowd.

i’m 32.  i don’t wear earphones when i go running.  i stop and watch every car that drives by me.  one man slowly drove by in a pickup truck, his phone pointed in my direction.

i stared down a man who was sitting across the street watching my sisters and i unload corinne’s truck one evening our parents were out of town.  when he drove off, i went inside and armed myself and then continued unloading the truck.

i get angry when my bf doesn’t leave the outside lights on when i am going to get home late at night before him.  i get angry when my family leaves the lights off at my parent’s house too, even if they are already home, even though they have security cameras.

these are the moments that stick out in my mind.   there are others, i’m sure, that i don’t remember.  and maybe one or two that i don’t want to talk about.  some of the ones i’ve written here today, i’ve never told anyone before.  i couldn’t tell you exact dates, but i remember certain details vividly, like what i was wearing, what i did afterwards.

these are just my experiences.  my sisters and my mother and my aunts and my grandmother’s have some of their own, i’m sure.  most women do.

we hope that you start listening to us.  we hope that you start believing us.  we want a world where our daughters and our sisters and our friends don’t have to keep looking over their back.  we want a world where all people feel empowered, and we don’t have to turn on our location services to go on dates, or training runs, or the gas station/grocery store.

my heart is with dr. christine blasey ford today.  my heart is with survivors everywhere, every day.

it’s friday!!!

on top of the world.

this week after my cousin’s wedding and our long vacation in the pnw has been rough.  i’m exhausted in a way i haven’t been in a while, and i’m having a hard time getting back to my daily routines.

i also feel refreshed in a way that i haven’t felt in a long time.  and that is worth any kind of jet lag or post-vacation blues i am feeling now.

i almost forgot how much i love going up north.  i was a northeast girl for five years (college and one year post-college) and every time i head north i am reminded of how green it is.  down here in texas, we have that bright blue, wide open sky, and beautiful hill country, but up north, it’s just canopy after canopy of green, green trees, and specifically in seattle and portland (where we spent last week), gorgeous views of the mountains.

it’s enough to make this nomad-girl’s heart flutter.

also, it was a week without serious allergies (how with all that greenery up there is beyond me, but i’m not asking any questions!), which i am paying for now!  but worth it, so worth it.

i’ll try to remember to share photos and stories from our trip.  we tried some really great food and did all the touristy things.  plus my cousin made for an absolutely beautiful bride, and we are all too happy to welcome her husband (eeeeek!) into our family!

i may not be on vacation anymore, but i’m really excited for this weekend.  hopefully i can recharge, but let’s be honest, my best friend is coming home for the weekend with her honey bunny and we are going to be taking in the UTSA football game and getting our food and drink on.  can’t wait to see her, she moved to houston about two months ago, so it’s been that long since i’ve seen her!

other than that, i’ll be half-marathon training, and trying not to buy any more books or clothes 🙂 but NO promises!

have a happy weekend, loves.

xoCandice

  • revamping my closet (again) and i’ve been on the hunt for the perfect boyfriend (or mom) jeans (because doesn’t anyone else get tired of trying to stuff their large calves into skinny jeans?  no?  just me?).  found these via the sister studio‘s IG story and i’m a true believer.  these are comfy, stretchy, fun, and right now they’re just under $20 with code women20 (reg. $22).
  • i’m a sucker for a good forest-smelling candle.  we picked this one up at pike place market while we were in seattle.
  • i ordered where the crawdads sing approximately two days before reese witherspoon named it as her september book of the month.  i’m slowly getting through it (because, life), but i was hooked by owens’ lyrical prose by, like, page 8.  (i’ll try to share the exact passage that won me over soon!)
  • art of ice cream is coming to austin (just a short hour and a half drive from san antonio), so i have to go!  i’ll take any excuse to make myself sick with ice cream and all the sprinkles lol!
  • just signed up for the Epilepsy Foundation Central & South Texas‘ annual Superhero 5k with my fam!  $5 off registration if you sign up Sept. 21-23 with cold FL18.
  • want.  //  need.

idk about you, but i’m feeling 32.

[title is an obvious reference to t.swift’s “22”]

31 has come and gone.  you would think by now i’d be an older, wiser version of myself, but nope.  with 32 came the same ol’, same ol’.  for example, i spent my birthday getting too much sun and drinking too much tequila, and by the end of the night i had lost my entire makeup bag.  yup…all $600+ of products, gone.

so, now, as i have done in the past with other losses, i’m trying to rebuild.  this time it’s not as serious as say when i had my heart broken a few weeks after my 30th birthday, but still…same ol’, same ol’.

everything is a lesson right?

i’ve spent the past month doing a whole lot of adult-y type things – vacationing for the weekend in port a/rockport with my honey, my best friend & her bf, moving into a new home with my honey, buying necessities for said-home (who knew a person could get so excited over a new stainless steel step-can?), planning trips for my cousin’s bachelorette & wedding – it’s been a busy month, i guess.  but i still don’t feel like an adult.  i still called my dad when my tire went flat.  i still call my mom when i feel under the weather.  i still don’t want to clean up the kitchen after i destroy it making dinner.

is it our vanity that forces us to search for signs of “adulthood”?  am i not making it in life because i let my dishes sit in the sink overnight (not all of them, just the ones i was too tired to wash after spending several hours standing in the kitchen)?  why is that how we measure our worth?

i love that i’m still a little scatterbrained.  it’s not fun having to repurchase all my favorite beauty products, but the backstory is a little hilarious.  i don’t mind laughing at myself, i guess.

maybe that’s the wisdom i want to impart as i move (more slowly than usual) into 32 years of life.  you gotta be willing to laugh at yourself sometimes, because life comes at you fast, and it’s not always pretty and it’s not always easy.  it’s all about how you react…take it in stride.  🙂

happy hump day, y’all!

life update.

oh heyyyyy, y’all.

long time, no see.  i think we’ve done this enough times that i don’t need to go into specifics and details of why i’ve been m.i.a. – but just in case…

life, babes.  so much life.

i’m two weeks away from finishing up my paralegal certification course, and this semester has been heavy with homework (since i’m taking the class online).  the girls and i went on a cruise to costa maya and cozumel in early february.  we celebrated corinne’s birthday immediately upon our return, and then segued into rodeo season (i saw goo goo dolls, cam, brad paisley, and brothers osborne).  we attended the first botanical music festival at six flags.  SO MANY CONCERTS in the past few months.  like, i’m legit living my best musical life right now.  we also celebrated case’s birthday – she’s in her last year of her 20s!

let’s see…what else?

oh!  there’s a new (to you) guy – collin.  he’s the sweetest.  i won’t gush too much, we all know that’s not my style, but i’ve been into him for a long, long time, and it’s a little crazy and totally serendipitous that we have finally found each other at this point in our lives.  so, there’s that.

and i’m so happy.  incandescently happy.

we have been so busy the last couple of months, that i keep thinking i need to slow down and relax, but then more and more things come up.  for example, this weekend corinne’s best friend (who used to be casee’s best friend in hs, so has pretty much been family for the last 15 years or so) is getting married and we’re celebrating granny’s 79th birthday.  fiesta is on the horizon, so i’ll definitely be hitting up taste of nola, and maybe one or two other events.  later this month i’m heading up to dallas to reunite with some of the girls from rochester (which i’m really excited about, because i’ll be missing our reunion this year).  but honestly, i’m really looking forward to getting away somewhere quiet sometime soon with collin.  i think we both need it.

i’ll be back soon with more content, y’all.  pinky promise 😉

#MondayMotivation

healing is a process.  one that we sometimes don’t realize we’re in until it’s been completed.  as with all good things, it takes time.

my last relationship was a learning experience.  i learned the kind of person i didn’t want to be, and i learned the kind of person i didn’t want to put my faith into, and didn’t want or need to be a partner (i use that term loosely).

of course, i couldn’t do that if i kept looking over my shoulder.  i had to stare my future square in the eye and say, this is what i want, and this is what i don’t want, and this is how i plan to get there.  now, we all know that things don’t always go according to our plans, but having that determination and setting your sights on a goal can make such a difference in your healing process.  after a while, i was so far ahead of what i was trying to move away from, that it became just a blip in my past.  a thing i don’t even think about most days.

my point is this:  you find your strength when you learn to let go.  let go of your past, let go of people’s perception of you, let go of your regrets and your insecurities.  and what you have left over…that’s the person you’ve been looking for, all your life.