idk about you, but i’m feeling 32.

[title is an obvious reference to t.swift’s “22”]

31 has come and gone.  you would think by now i’d be an older, wiser version of myself, but nope.  with 32 came the same ol’, same ol’.  for example, i spent my birthday getting too much sun and drinking too much tequila, and by the end of the night i had lost my entire makeup bag.  yup…all $600+ of products, gone.

so, now, as i have done in the past with other losses, i’m trying to rebuild.  this time it’s not as serious as say when i had my heart broken a few weeks after my 30th birthday, but still…same ol’, same ol’.

everything is a lesson right?

i’ve spent the past month doing a whole lot of adult-y type things – vacationing for the weekend in port a/rockport with my honey, my best friend & her bf, moving into a new home with my honey, buying necessities for said-home (who knew a person could get so excited over a new stainless steel step-can?), planning trips for my cousin’s bachelorette & wedding – it’s been a busy month, i guess.  but i still don’t feel like an adult.  i still called my dad when my tire went flat.  i still call my mom when i feel under the weather.  i still don’t want to clean up the kitchen after i destroy it making dinner.

is it our vanity that forces us to search for signs of “adulthood”?  am i not making it in life because i let my dishes sit in the sink overnight (not all of them, just the ones i was too tired to wash after spending several hours standing in the kitchen)?  why is that how we measure our worth?

i love that i’m still a little scatterbrained.  it’s not fun having to repurchase all my favorite beauty products, but the backstory is a little hilarious.  i don’t mind laughing at myself, i guess.

maybe that’s the wisdom i want to impart as i move (more slowly than usual) into 32 years of life.  you gotta be willing to laugh at yourself sometimes, because life comes at you fast, and it’s not always pretty and it’s not always easy.  it’s all about how you react…take it in stride.  🙂

happy hump day, y’all!

life update.

oh heyyyyy, y’all.

long time, no see.  i think we’ve done this enough times that i don’t need to go into specifics and details of why i’ve been m.i.a. – but just in case…

life, babes.  so much life.

i’m two weeks away from finishing up my paralegal certification course, and this semester has been heavy with homework (since i’m taking the class online).  the girls and i went on a cruise to costa maya and cozumel in early february.  we celebrated corinne’s birthday immediately upon our return, and then segued into rodeo season (i saw goo goo dolls, cam, brad paisley, and brothers osborne).  we attended the first botanical music festival at six flags.  SO MANY CONCERTS in the past few months.  like, i’m legit living my best musical life right now.  we also celebrated case’s birthday – she’s in her last year of her 20s!

let’s see…what else?

oh!  there’s a new (to you) guy – collin.  he’s the sweetest.  i won’t gush too much, we all know that’s not my style, but i’ve been into him for a long, long time, and it’s a little crazy and totally serendipitous that we have finally found each other at this point in our lives.  so, there’s that.

and i’m so happy.  incandescently happy.

we have been so busy the last couple of months, that i keep thinking i need to slow down and relax, but then more and more things come up.  for example, this weekend corinne’s best friend (who used to be casee’s best friend in hs, so has pretty much been family for the last 15 years or so) is getting married and we’re celebrating granny’s 79th birthday.  fiesta is on the horizon, so i’ll definitely be hitting up taste of nola, and maybe one or two other events.  later this month i’m heading up to dallas to reunite with some of the girls from rochester (which i’m really excited about, because i’ll be missing our reunion this year).  but honestly, i’m really looking forward to getting away somewhere quiet sometime soon with collin.  i think we both need it.

i’ll be back soon with more content, y’all.  pinky promise 😉

#MondayMotivation

healing is a process.  one that we sometimes don’t realize we’re in until it’s been completed.  as with all good things, it takes time.

my last relationship was a learning experience.  i learned the kind of person i didn’t want to be, and i learned the kind of person i didn’t want to put my faith into, and didn’t want or need to be a partner (i use that term loosely).

of course, i couldn’t do that if i kept looking over my shoulder.  i had to stare my future square in the eye and say, this is what i want, and this is what i don’t want, and this is how i plan to get there.  now, we all know that things don’t always go according to our plans, but having that determination and setting your sights on a goal can make such a difference in your healing process.  after a while, i was so far ahead of what i was trying to move away from, that it became just a blip in my past.  a thing i don’t even think about most days.

my point is this:  you find your strength when you learn to let go.  let go of your past, let go of people’s perception of you, let go of your regrets and your insecurities.  and what you have left over…that’s the person you’ve been looking for, all your life.

new year’s day.

you can’t wait to wash the curls out.

they don’t feel like you.  you’ve always been more of a wave, slowly rolling, over and over, pushing some things out, pulling some things in.  you like your hair to match your spirit – wild, messy, not too perfect.

you thought the curls would lift your spirits, but they just made you feel less like you.  it was the perfect cold weather occasion, but you couldn’t shake the thought that you weren’t where you were meant to be.

so you’ll rinse the curls out, stand under the scalding hot water, let it strip away all the secrets you tried to hide in your hair, and start fresh.  isn’t that the way it’s meant to be this time of year, anyway?

the goodbye.

there are no tears left for you.

she cried them out so many months ago, so there’s nothing left to fight the hate-fires in her heart.  they just have to slowly burn out, like the love she used to have.

you lost her long before she cut you out.  you lost her long before the night she said things she couldn’t take back.  you lost her in the moments you chose not to be present, in the moments you chose dishonesty and secrecy, in the moments that you chose not to be public with your relationship.  she wondered if it was even real at all, or had she only just imagined it?

it was the little things that set her in motion, that rolled her closer and closer to a cliff she had no choice but to throw herself over in self-preservation.

and words were said, and regret was planted, and then she tried to make herself smaller to fit back into your closed off heart.  but you had already cracked it open for someone else, so she never was going to fit.

it’s done now.  she no longer misses you on sunday mornings.  she no longer holds her breath when she sees a truck that looks like yours.  she no longer hears a song and thinks of you.  your name isn’t the one she’s hoping for when her phone dings.  there’s no pebble-sized hole in her carefully guarded heart shaped especially for you.  there are only smoldering cinders, from pain gone up in flames.

#MondayMantra

pay it forward, babes.

i love that this season is about giving, so much more than receiving.  my sisters and i are looking for ways to give back to our community, and i’m incredibly grateful that i have the ability to do so, that our parents raised us to feel like it was important to do so, and that i have two partners-in-crime to give back with.  i’m a firm believer in “it-takes-a-village” and it couldn’t show more true than this time of year.

so do the good deeds, babes.  lift each other up.  think of all the women who came before you.  think of the ones you look up to.  aspire to be as great, and as strong as they are/were.  share that passion and dedication with the men and women who come after you.  you’ll be surprised how much of a difference you can make in someone else’s life, just by believing in and supporting them.  🙂

#metoo

image:  @kellyetz via:  @theeverygirl.

over the weekend, i saw someone post this:

“Me too.

If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote “Me too” as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.

Please copy/paste.

#MeToo

so i reposted it.

then i started feeling sick and spent the next 24 hours sleeping off what i believe to be exhaustion mixed with allergies and the beginnings of a sinus infection.  i missed monday’s posts, and most of what was circulating around Facebook.  when i finally signed on to Facebook and saw what some of my friends and family had each posted (and in some instances, tagged me in) i was glad to have missed a full day of social media.

the truth is, so many people have experienced or been affected by sexual assault and harassment.  this isn’t just something that straight women encounter.  my guess is that every person in the world has either witnessed a sexual assault or harassment, or been a victim of sexual assault or harassment, men and women alike.

so many will ask, why speak up now?  or they may be dismissive of the recounted tales of victims being posted over and over again on their newsfeed.  this pains me.  how can we trivialize another person’s trauma?  how can we tell them to get over it, or move on, or tell them they were probably asking for it?  how can we blame them?  those of us who are victims of sexual harassment would be hard-pressed to forget it, as for many of us it happens every single day.

it happens to me at the grocery store.  it happens to me at the gas station.  it happens to me in my very own front yard.

and then there are the places where we know it happens.  music festivals are notorious for their high incidents of sexual assault.  i know i’ve had my ass grabbed under my skirt, dress, or shorts, a number of times in large crowds at festivals.  and there certainly have been a lot of times where i’ve felt a guy rub up against me from behind.  this has happened to me in clubs and bars as well.

where are we supposed to be safe?  not in the workplace, as we’ve seen from the headlines the last few weeks regarding harvey weinstein – and he’s certainly not the only person who has used their power to sexually assault others employed by them.  not in schools, as we’ve seen from the numerous cases of students being assaulted by other students, faculty, etc. – and their perpetrators laughable punishments.  not in our homes.  not in our grocery stores.  not at the gas station.

the problem is that for so long we have made sexual assault and harassment a “woman’s problem”.  we’ve taught our daughters to be hyper-vigilant, to carry rape whistles, to not wear revealing clothing.  but it’s not just a “woman’s problem”.  it’s everyone’s problem.  as we’ve learned from the harvey weinstein case, so many people were aware of what he was doing, and didn’t say anything.  this is far from being singular to this one case.  think of all the times you heard of or saw something that made you feel uncomfortable, but you didn’t say anything.

this is what we’re asking by sharing our stories.  we want you, all of you, men, women, non-binary, alike, to roar with us.  we’re tired of living in the shadows, of being afraid to speak out for fear of retaliation or that our words will be diminished by those who are afraid to take a stand with us.  “boys will be boys” is not a thing anymore.  we won’t stand for it.  we’re tired of always being on edge when we’re alone.  we’re tired of men making decisions about our bodies, when they can barely speak about menstruation or sexual pleasure without embarrassment or any knowledge of the female anatomy.  we’re tired of being told to dress a certain way, to only run in groups, to carry mace or rape whistles, to worry about date rape drugs, to not speak up for fear of losing our careers.  we’re tired of being secondary citizens, of not having these conversations with our fathers, our brothers, our friends.

we want you to stand with us.  we want you to speak out with us.  we want you to take all the anger you have ever felt once you got over your surprise that your mother, sister, daughter, friend experienced something like this, and we want you to use it.  use it to help us change the current rape culture in our society.  use it to help us educate our children, so that we can make this world a better place for them.  because this isn’t going away.  we won’t forget, we won’t be silenced, and we won’t back down.