Author: Candice

2018.

CandiceLeave a comment

if you’re thinking i had a great 2018, just based on my top 9 photos on ig (above), well, then, you wouldn’t be too far from the truth. i did. there were some really great memories made. and i didn’t intend to do a recap of this year, or talk about how i’ve grown/learned/experienced life in 2018. honestly, it was the farthest thing from my mind in the last few weeks/couple of months. everything lately has been a whirlwind, and then suddenly i was sick and laid up for two weeks, and my mind doesn’t fare well when i’m still.

all of a sudden, everything felt incredibly difficult. and it was hard not to spend the last sunday of the year crying in bed, begging the universe to just give me a break, and a sign that everything would be ok. i finished a book. i snuggled with riley. and finally i went for ole faithful – the notebook in my nightstand.

as i was writing, i kept thinking, no one will want to read this (maybe in my mind it went more like, “no one should want to read this”). there’s too much sadness and hurt here. and you probably wonder why i would want to share this. i don’t – i’m a little embarrassed. but i am sharing it because it’s my truth. and one day, i want to be able to share that with my kids (if i’m ever lucky enough to have any). i want them to know it’s ok to feel a certain way, and that sometimes you have to let it off your chest to feel better.

so here we go:

i wish i could go back 14 years and do things over again.

i’m lying here, feeling sorry for myself. sad, lonely. i miss my friends. i wonder if i’m a good person or if i just think i am.

and it always comes down to “how did i get here?”

i’d do so many things differently. that softball tryout. i would’ve tried harder. gotten in shape after my surgery. i didn’t know i’d figure out 10 years later how much i love to run.

i wouldn’t have said that ugly thing to “d” at our last formal. i don’t even know why the words came out of my mouth.  she’s still my bestest friend.

wouldn’t have broken up with “j” in the way that i did (it was so wrong). still would’ve dated him. he was a sweetheart.

idk if i would do the “e” thing over again. there was a lot there, and he gave me Nola & riley. i definitely wouldn’t marry him. that was a mistake.

grad school, or law school, immediately after undergrad. i should’ve gone into publishing. i don’t think that would’ve brought me home though.

i should’ve come home that one thanksgiving. corinne was so upset. should’ve spent more time going to the movies with my sisters.

should’ve found collin before cz found me. should’ve found him before he went to arkansas (although maybe he needed that change of scenery). maybe we weren’t ready for each other then, but i wish i could know that for sure.

why does the world give you regret? and why does it hurt so much?

these are just a few of the things i have to forgive myself for. i’m know i’m not the only woman, or human being, or living animal in the world who feels like i’ve made my life exceptionally hard. i take full responsibility for the holes i’ve dug myself, leaving me in this funk of “when will it get better?” truth is, i don’t know. i don’t know if it will. maybe i’ll always feel tinges of regret (or, more accurately, guilt) for the things i did or didn’t do in my past.

so yes, while 2018 was a great year in so many ways, it was also a hard year. it was a year where i had to really look myself in the face and say, “ok, yes, this is where you are at now, and it’s so far from where you want to be, but you can get there.” i had to relearn to put my faith and trust in myself, and in my partner. i had to give a little more of myself than i was comfortable with in my relationship (and i’m really glad i did). i had to learn to take a step back for things not meant for me (walking away from backroad has been hard, but it’s really for the best) and stop putting so much pressure on myself.

i also had to realize that you can love someone with your whole heart, really want the best for them, even be willing to “take a bullet” for them, but you can’t continue to have a relationship with them if it feels toxic for you. constantly being told you’re not living up to their (incredibly high & unfair) expectations, being nitpicked all the time, feeling like they’re constantly judging you and your actions/interactions isn’t a great way to live – and sometimes you just have to let that person find their own way.

and now, i’m off to go find mine – here’s to a better 2019, y’all.

wishing you each the best 🙂

happy new year!

CandiceLeave a comment

be open-minded and open-hearted. don’t be afraid to pursue the things (or people) you want. dare greatly. live your daydream. don’t be afraid to fail or to fall, you never know where it might lead. always hug your momma, give your dog a pet on the way out the door, and take a minute to look up at the night sky.

you get one life, babes. make 2019 your best year!

it’s friday!!!

CandiceLeave a comment

my bestest friend.

last night, in bed, crying to myself, for who even knows what, other than just being exhausted, feeling overwhelmed, worrying about the future (mine, our country’s, the world’s) i had a moment of clarity.  had i not made the choices i had made, i might not have had the opportunity to have riley in my life (and this dog is sort of always my saving grace).  and that realization sort of trickled into a few others.  and slowly i started to relax, and to feel grateful again.

i’ve written on here a handful of times, that my path has always been a lesson, that i’ve always ended up in the place where i was meant to be.  and i believe that, truly i do.  it’s been hard, and it might get harder, but i always find a way to get through it.  and that’s what i need to focus on.  my strength.

it’s not a quick fix, and trust me, i am still feeling exhausted, and overwhelmed, and worried, but i know i’ll get through it.  i know i’ll get to the other side of this feeling.  one step at a time (like how i chose to avoid the news this morning, because i’ve had enough of hearing about kavanaugh for a lifetime…oh wait).

in other news, this weekend is my 10 year college reunion, and i’m pretty bummed i’ll be missing out (collin and i were supposed to be heading to mexico this weekend, but our plans changed).  backroad boutique will be live and in-person at the marketplace in old town helotes on saturday from 10 am – 5 pm (i’ll be showing up late).  we have a couple of new items coming in soon, that we can’t wait to share with our customers!

all i want to do this weekend is relax and decorate our house for fall, but we all know that’s not going to happen.  hopefully sunday i’ll get some down time between running and meal prepping!

i hope y’all have a happy and recharging weekend, loves!  on monday, we keep chugging along to midterms…

xoCandice

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on to something good.

CandiceLeave a comment

i have classic oldest child syndrome.

i can’t fail.  of all the conversations i had with my parents growing up, the word that sticks out in my mind, the one that make the pit in my stomach heave and grow, is “disappointed”.  all the times i made mistakes, that word would rear it’s ugly head, and now it haunts me like the ghost of marley.  past, present, and future.  what would my life look like if things had happened differently?  if i had chosen differently?

i’ve got something going on.  something i’m not ready to talk about.  a good thing.  a really good thing if it turns out the way i hope it does.  and i’d be lying if i didn’t say that i’m not terrified of the outcome.  including day one, which is this weekend.  day one will measure my knowledge going into this new venture, and i’m so worried that i’ll be so far behind.

my anxiety kicked in hard this morning, as i finalized my plans and started preparing for this new path.  because i don’t want to fail (and let’s be honest, i’m more than a little competitive).  and i’m not sure if i’m going to get in over my head.  i’m nervous.  i’m scared.  but saying those words out loud is next to impossible for me.  so when i’ve talked to the handful of people in my life that know what i’m alluding to in this post, i downplay it.  a lot.  it’s easier to act blasé about it, then to admit that i’m not 100% sure i’m making the right choice, again.

it doesn’t help that i’ve felt listless lately.  i’m itching for a big change.  i feel blocked right now.  stumped.  stunted.  staring up at an immense wall.  well, here it is.

maybe i’m being a little dramatic (classic oldest child syndrome, y’all).

deep breath.  heart full of hope.  here i go…

monday motivation.

CandiceLeave a comment

Pic from last October. Dress from Backroad Boutique.

i’m so glad i live in a world where there are octobers.

–anne of green gables, l.m. montgomery

happy october, loves!  i’m a die-hard summer baby – give me the beach or a pool (or any body of water, let’s be honest) and a day full of sun and i’m a happy girl – but there’s something about this time of year that makes me feel incredibly content and cozy.  a new season brings all kinds of new possibilities.

it’s the perfect opportunity for all of us to reevaluate the things that are most important to us, and find ways to become more purposeful towards those things.  so clear out those negative people and negative conversations, say no when you want to (and especially when you need to), and surround yourself with good things and good people.

it’s friday!!!

CandiceLeave a comment

i’m so glad it’s friday, y’all.  the last few days have been emotionally taxing.  i don’t think i can sit one more day calmly in front of my computer screen.

i think i’m having a really hard time with everything going on in the public sphere because there are certain people in my life whom i love and respect, who don’t understand where i’m coming from, why i wouldn’t want someone like kavanaugh to serve on the supreme court, why i wouldn’t want someone like 45 to be our current president, why that’s what i’m more concerned with than how pervasive dishonesty and greed is throughout the ranks of those highest in power in our government.

truth is, i’m a woman.  i’m a woman with brown skin.  i’m a woman with brown skin and a spanish last name.  who lives in a very red state.  and i’m afraid for our future.  i’m afraid for my children’s future.

i’m afraid that civility and respect are out the window.  i’m pained that other people of color have to constantly live in fear of their lives.  i think i may have been racially profiled the other day, and it was a harrowing, eye opening experience.  one i laughed about with my family later, but i realized that i finally experienced what immigrants may go through in their every day lives.  and if i wasn’t racially profiled, then i was probably sexually harassed by a man who, by nature of his job, has more power than i do.

i’m afraid that those people i mentioned earlier and i no longer have common ground.  i still love and respect them, but i’ve forgotten how to talk to them.  i want to save the world, and protect the underprivileged and oppressed, and show up for them every single day, and i want those people next to me when i do it.  but they aren’t.

it’s a shock to my core.  and my perception of my world.

—

i’m hoping to recharge this weekend.  and find a little joy in the upcoming fall season, fall decor, fall fashion.  we have football on the agenda, and i think i’m going to have to make my favorite chili recipe.

i hope you have a happy, safe, recharging weekend, loves.

xoCandice

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  • amaretto sours used to be my drink of choice my senior year of college (thought i was so cool and elevated upgrading from a jack & coke, hahaha).  might need to try out this recipe with the holiday season coming quickly upon us.
  • because we all know i’m obsessed with crime dramas, i had to check out this list of “the best crime dramas to watch on netflix” from the everygirl.  i’ve seen about half of them, and am currently adding the other half to my queue, now.
  • so inspired by all the fall decor out there!  it doesn’t feel very much like fall outside, but it would be nice to at least make our house look like it does!  i especially love how alyson haley used leopard print and warm colors to make her home feel more cozy!
  • i’ve been hardcore looking for latina bloggers in san antonio to follow, because while i love each and every one of the accounts i currently follow, i still want to see fashion and stories from women who look like me, and live where i live (or at least in close proximity).  🙂  so, if you know of any, please send them my way in the comments below!
  • want.  //  need.

it happens. every day.

CandiceLeave a comment

i was 5.  the kids in my kindergarten class started playing kiss-tag, where the boys would chase the girls around the playground and if a girl got caught, she got kissed.

i was 6.  we sat in groups on the floor during reading time.  a boy who was a friend would stick his hands under girls skirts.  mine, nicole’s, candace, jennifer’s.  where did he learn that behavior?

i was 12.  we had to get physicals from doctor’s the school recommended in order to play sports.  dad took me that day.  he didn’t know he had to go into the room with me.  i didn’t know i needed to ask the doctor to bring a nurse in.  the male doctor checked my lymph nodes.  i felt uncomfortable.

i was old enough to date.  i went to the movies with a boy.  afterwards we were kissing in the front seat of his parents car.  his hands were everywhere.  i said no.  we kept kissing. suddenly i felt his penis on my thigh.  i freaked out and asked him to take me home.  i never saw him after that.

i was 17.  a cyst ruptured on my ovary, causing me to bleed internally.  for hours i told the emts, firefighters, and medical staff that i was a virgin when they suggested it could be an ectopic pregnancy.  they told me i needed to tell the truth so that they diagnose whatever was causing my abdominal pain, and blood pressure to be so low, and the life to be slowly draining from my body.  i WAS A VIRGIN, but no one believed me.  i bled internally for over 12 hours before they realized a cyst had ruptured and they had to perform emergency surgery.

i was an adult, a college graduate, a divorcée.  i was running in the park.  a man in a car would sit watching as i ran by, then once i got out of view, he’d drive a little further up and park again where he could watch me run by.  this occurred for 2 miles.

i was at my best friend’s apartment.  we were in her pool, with a couple of kids whose mother was watching them from her pool chair.  across the street was an overgrown strip of land with trees that lined a railroad track on the other side.  do i really see what i think i’m seeing?  i squinted.  yes.  yes, i do see a man hiding in the brush, masturbating.  he ran when i got out of the pool staring in his direction, still wondering if my eyes deceived me.

i was at oysterbake.  i had shorts on, and i was walking through a crowd.  some person grabbed my ass as i walked by, and then disappeared into the crowd.  my bf at the time later asked me, “well, what were you wearing?”

it happened again in vegas, the weekend of my thirtieth birthday.  at a club on a crowded dance floor.  i whipped my head around, but the guy was already through the crowd.

i’m 32.  i don’t wear earphones when i go running.  i stop and watch every car that drives by me.  one man slowly drove by in a pickup truck, his phone pointed in my direction.

i stared down a man who was sitting across the street watching my sisters and i unload corinne’s truck one evening our parents were out of town.  when he drove off, i went inside and armed myself and then continued unloading the truck.

i get angry when my bf doesn’t leave the outside lights on when i am going to get home late at night before him.  i get angry when my family leaves the lights off at my parent’s house too, even if they are already home, even though they have security cameras.

these are the moments that stick out in my mind.   there are others, i’m sure, that i don’t remember.  and maybe one or two that i don’t want to talk about.  some of the ones i’ve written here today, i’ve never told anyone before.  i couldn’t tell you exact dates, but i remember certain details vividly, like what i was wearing, what i did afterwards.

these are just my experiences.  my sisters and my mother and my aunts and my grandmother’s have some of their own, i’m sure.  most women do.

we hope that you start listening to us.  we hope that you start believing us.  we want a world where our daughters and our sisters and our friends don’t have to keep looking over their back.  we want a world where all people feel empowered, and we don’t have to turn on our location services to go on dates, or training runs, or the gas station/grocery store.

my heart is with dr. christine blasey ford today.  my heart is with survivors everywhere, every day.