i have classic oldest child syndrome.
i can’t fail. of all the conversations i had with my parents growing up, the word that sticks out in my mind, the one that make the pit in my stomach heave and grow, is “disappointed”. all the times i made mistakes, that word would rear it’s ugly head, and now it haunts me like the ghost of marley. past, present, and future. what would my life look like if things had happened differently? if i had chosen differently?
i’ve got something going on. something i’m not ready to talk about. a good thing. a really good thing if it turns out the way i hope it does. and i’d be lying if i didn’t say that i’m not terrified of the outcome. including day one, which is this weekend. day one will measure my knowledge going into this new venture, and i’m so worried that i’ll be so far behind.
my anxiety kicked in hard this morning, as i finalized my plans and started preparing for this new path. because i don’t want to fail (and let’s be honest, i’m more than a little competitive). and i’m not sure if i’m going to get in over my head. i’m nervous. i’m scared. but saying those words out loud is next to impossible for me. so when i’ve talked to the handful of people in my life that know what i’m alluding to in this post, i downplay it. a lot. it’s easier to act blasé about it, then to admit that i’m not 100% sure i’m making the right choice, again.
it doesn’t help that i’ve felt listless lately. i’m itching for a big change. i feel blocked right now. stumped. stunted. staring up at an immense wall. well, here it is.
maybe i’m being a little dramatic (classic oldest child syndrome, y’all).
deep breath. heart full of hope. here i go…