the parts. [excerpts from a book i’ll never write – nineteen.]

some part of me is conscious of loving you.  in another life, in another world, in the future – i don’t know.  i just know i feel it in my bones.  i think you do, too, but it lies under your insecurity, your fear of the unknown.

some part of me would love nothing more than to never utter your name again.  somehow i feel like it give you power – not over me, but over my heart in a way.  in a way that keeps me from putting all the pieces back together again.

some part of me is far too tired to keep going.  that’s the farthest, deepest part of my self.  the part that is buried under stubbornness, drive, diligence, pride.  the part that lies under wanderlust and innocent wonder.

#MondayMantra

baby girl, ain’t a one of us who has time for half-assed ANYthing.  whether it be friendship, workouts, projects, or a relationship.  you have to look at it from an all-or-nothing point-of-view to determine if it’s worth your time and effort.

some people are afraid of taking the plunge into something because they can’t control the outcome (i’m one of these people, too, in some instances).  they’re worried that they’ll ruin whatever good thing they already have, or that they’ll lose more than they’ll gain.  now, we can and will never be able to 100% predict the outcome of any action or inaction.  there are far too many what-ifs to be entirely accurate.  so why hold back?  why deny yourself the chance of something greater than your current situation because there’s a chance it could go bad?

i think what i need, or want, or am looking for, is a knight and a sword.  someone who is ready and willing to ride into battle with me, but also ready and willing to ride into battle for me.  someone who understands that sometimes “i’m tired,” means that i haven’t had enough sleep because of all the things i’m involved in, and sometimes “i’m tired,” means that i’m figuratively tired of doing all the things that i have to do on my own or without much help or appreciation, and just need a hug, a good meal, a beer, and a netflix binge.  i haven’t experienced that kind of love, yet.

what i have experienced a lot of is half-assed lovers.  people who were too afraid to lose what i brought to the table, and who weren’t willing to put in 100% effort to create a bond that is unbreakable.  now, i believe in seasons in life.  i believe that sometimes we meet a person who is good for us in the moment that we are in, but they aren’t always meant to move on with us to the next season.  but i also believe in a forever kind of love. i believe in a partnership rooted in taking a chance, in the adventurous spirit, in magic mixed with enough mayhem to change your life’s course.

i’m good with how i handle the good and bad in my life, right now, in this season of my life, where i am enjoying being on my own and rediscovering who i am.  but i know there’s someone out there who i want to share that with, too.  and i think it’s ok to be a little bit picky about who that person is, especially because i’ve waited so long to share my life with them.

so, ask yourself, is there any area in your life (or love-life) that feels like it’s not at 100%?  if so, then i challenge you to do something about it.  maybe that means you move on from it, maybe that means you prioritize it more in your routine.  but don’t just let it dwindle under half-assed attention, love.  you’ll feel so much lighter if you take the time to give the things that are important to you more attention, and rid yourself of the things (or the people) that you can do without.

friday.

my new fave tee:  it ain’t me babe via duck and dressing.

i have not been very good at posting lately.  i guess when you’re as busy as i’ve been lately, something is bound to fall off the plate, right?  it’s just, writing is my thing.  i want it to be a better thing.  i need it to be a better thing.  so i’m gonna have to work on doing more of this, yes?

we celebrated lucas’s first birthday on monday, and had his party last weekend.  he’s the cutest sweetie pie, with so much of his mother’s personality, it’s hilarious.  i can’t believe he’s already a year old, it feels like i just met him for the first time yesterday.  but i also can’t wait for him to start walking and talking!

also, melissa and i finally are taking a road trip together to new orleans in a few weeks!  i can’t wait.  it’s going to be so much fun!  it’s been 6 years since i’ve been back, can you believe that?  it blows my mind every time i think about it.  i’m sure so much has changed, but i’m really excited to go back to some of my fave places.

this weekend, i’ll be training (for the san antonio rock n roll half-marathon), going to the utsa game, and hitting up the gruene market days.  you know, just keeping busy.  😉

have a happy weekend, loves!

xoCandice.

what i’m listening to: ryan kinder – still believe in crazy love.

i’m a little obsessed with this song.  i love it’s message.  things might not always work out the way you planned, or how you wanted them to, but that shouldn’t change your heart.

i’ve had really crappy relationships with guys who were great in the beginning, but at some point we became incompatible, and things didn’t always end peacefully.  there are days that i still feel incredibly broken over the last relationship that didn’t work out. there are days that i worry i might not ever find the love that i need.  not need like oxygen to breathe, but need like a partner who gets me and doesn’t try to change who i am.  it’s easy to get caught up on the things that go wrong, or the situations that don’t work out, or the people we miss, but i find that at the end of the day i still have this well of hope in my gut and in my “soul” ( i still need to find a better word for that).

i think i’ve replaced my last relationship with “crazy love” for myself and the life i’m building, and so what i “need” is a person that i can share that with, and who would want to share the same with me.  make sense?  i don’t know, i may be rambling now, lol.

my point is, just because i’m not where i thought i would be at 31, it doesn’t change the fact that i still believe in love.  i still believe in a life where i have a partner, and a family, and we build a legacy together.  despite knowing that life has a tendency to take all kinds of twists and turns, and there are so many things that are out of our control.  i still believe in crazy love.

#metoo

image:  @kellyetz via:  @theeverygirl.

over the weekend, i saw someone post this:

“Me too.

If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote “Me too” as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.

Please copy/paste.

#MeToo

so i reposted it.

then i started feeling sick and spent the next 24 hours sleeping off what i believe to be exhaustion mixed with allergies and the beginnings of a sinus infection.  i missed monday’s posts, and most of what was circulating around Facebook.  when i finally signed on to Facebook and saw what some of my friends and family had each posted (and in some instances, tagged me in) i was glad to have missed a full day of social media.

the truth is, so many people have experienced or been affected by sexual assault and harassment.  this isn’t just something that straight women encounter.  my guess is that every person in the world has either witnessed a sexual assault or harassment, or been a victim of sexual assault or harassment, men and women alike.

so many will ask, why speak up now?  or they may be dismissive of the recounted tales of victims being posted over and over again on their newsfeed.  this pains me.  how can we trivialize another person’s trauma?  how can we tell them to get over it, or move on, or tell them they were probably asking for it?  how can we blame them?  those of us who are victims of sexual harassment would be hard-pressed to forget it, as for many of us it happens every single day.

it happens to me at the grocery store.  it happens to me at the gas station.  it happens to me in my very own front yard.

and then there are the places where we know it happens.  music festivals are notorious for their high incidents of sexual assault.  i know i’ve had my ass grabbed under my skirt, dress, or shorts, a number of times in large crowds at festivals.  and there certainly have been a lot of times where i’ve felt a guy rub up against me from behind.  this has happened to me in clubs and bars as well.

where are we supposed to be safe?  not in the workplace, as we’ve seen from the headlines the last few weeks regarding harvey weinstein – and he’s certainly not the only person who has used their power to sexually assault others employed by them.  not in schools, as we’ve seen from the numerous cases of students being assaulted by other students, faculty, etc. – and their perpetrators laughable punishments.  not in our homes.  not in our grocery stores.  not at the gas station.

the problem is that for so long we have made sexual assault and harassment a “woman’s problem”.  we’ve taught our daughters to be hyper-vigilant, to carry rape whistles, to not wear revealing clothing.  but it’s not just a “woman’s problem”.  it’s everyone’s problem.  as we’ve learned from the harvey weinstein case, so many people were aware of what he was doing, and didn’t say anything.  this is far from being singular to this one case.  think of all the times you heard of or saw something that made you feel uncomfortable, but you didn’t say anything.

this is what we’re asking by sharing our stories.  we want you, all of you, men, women, non-binary, alike, to roar with us.  we’re tired of living in the shadows, of being afraid to speak out for fear of retaliation or that our words will be diminished by those who are afraid to take a stand with us.  “boys will be boys” is not a thing anymore.  we won’t stand for it.  we’re tired of always being on edge when we’re alone.  we’re tired of men making decisions about our bodies, when they can barely speak about menstruation or sexual pleasure without embarrassment or any knowledge of the female anatomy.  we’re tired of being told to dress a certain way, to only run in groups, to carry mace or rape whistles, to worry about date rape drugs, to not speak up for fear of losing our careers.  we’re tired of being secondary citizens, of not having these conversations with our fathers, our brothers, our friends.

we want you to stand with us.  we want you to speak out with us.  we want you to take all the anger you have ever felt once you got over your surprise that your mother, sister, daughter, friend experienced something like this, and we want you to use it.  use it to help us change the current rape culture in our society.  use it to help us educate our children, so that we can make this world a better place for them.  because this isn’t going away.  we won’t forget, we won’t be silenced, and we won’t back down.

#MondayMantra.

via.

i didn’t have the heart to post anything last week.  i struggled to create content for my instagram and for our shop’s social media pages.  it didn’t feel right, so i spent the week reflecting and thinking about the victims and what i could do as an individual person to help the current situation in our country.  it’s tough, and without getting too far into it, i was feeling really insignificant.

but the more i thought about it, the more i realized that my one contribution that i could make to society would be to treat others kindly, even when i’m not feeling my best, and to continue to love and appreciate life.  if my joie de vivre affects just one person in a positive way, then that’s sharing the light, that’s leaving a legacy.

we have to turn our pain into activism.  and by that i don’t mean that we all have to stand on the steps of congress every day of our lives.  i just mean that we need to funnel our energy into positive actions in our communities, in the lives of the people we encounter on a daily basis, even in our own homes.  right now, we only have lucas, and he’s the light of all of our lives.  i can only hope that he learns from his grandparents and aunties and momma how to love, how to be sensitive, how to be strong, how to foster and project positivity.  and it’s rough in this day and age, when so much anger and destruction is in our face on social media and the news every single day.  we didn’t grow up with that, but now it’s a constant in our lives and we have to train ourselves to not let these things weigh us down and keep us from having faith in humanity.

what if, instead of sharing negative news…what if we tried to share one positive news story a day?  there are tons of them out there.  there are veterans helping other veterans cope with ptsd (i cried when i watched this episode of returning the favor).  there are dogs who are rescued, there are children who host lemonade stands and use the proceeds to buy coffee for their local law enforcement officers, there are mothers helping mothers who can’t produce breast milk.  the list goes on and on.  these stories inspire us, they encourage us to make positive changes in our lives, they foster hope.

and we need so much more hope right now.  so, i hope you can go out there, and take whatever pain you’ve been carrying, and channel it into something proactive.  go be a precious soul, loves.  share your light.

vegas.


i’m struggling, today, to put thought into words, and words into sentences.  i woke up tired, and sore.  i got dressed, listened to my favorite program (the second date update on a local radio station), laughed my butt off, contemplated listening to a podcast for the rest of my drive, but instead switched the channel to a local country music station.  i then heard of the terrible tragedy that occurred last night in las vegas at the route 91 harvest festival.  i immediately went into shock, to the point where i’m not 100% sure i remember the rest of my drive into work.  my heart sank, i messaged my family; we’ve talked about how crazy it is, how close to home it hits, how much our hearts hurt.

i don’t know what to say.  we love vegas, the girls and i try to go there once a year.  our parents were just there to celebrate their anniversary.  corinne’s best friend is planning to have her bachelorette party there in the spring.  we love country music, we grew up on george strait, garth brooks, patsy cline.  we go to festivals all the time.  we go to concerts all the time.  we never think twice about our safety, other than to use an uber or a dd. this isn’t the world I want for my nephew or my future children. this isn’t the legacy i want us to leave behind. 

i will say this, and i’ve said it before, i won’t be scared into staying home.  we don’t know what the shooter’s motive was, yet, but regardless, people will use this senseless tragedy to say all the reasons why we should do this, or shouldn’t do that.  but i won’t change my life because there is evil in this world.  i would rather let my light shine a little brighter, with all the other people who are letting their light shine bright, than sit home in darkness.  music and live music venues are meant to be places of refuge.  where people of different backgrounds, different socioeconomic status, different beliefs come together and unite in their love for their favorite musicians, songs, poetry.

garth brooks posted a live video on facebook earlier and in it he said that his advice to those who had to play shows tonight and weren’t sure what to do was that, “the show must go on.” and he’s right. i wholeheartedly agree. people have always used music to get us through the darkest times and we will continue to. from having a bad day and blasting your fave band to tuning in to benefit concerts in the wake of tragedy, we will always have music, always have poetry, always have that sense of community that unites us. 

so go to your concerts. go to your festivals. dance beneath the moonlight, and sing til you lose your voice. go out and live, babes. i wish that for you, me, for everyone.

my heart and my thoughts are with the victims and their families, with the first responders and their families, with the country music community, the vegas community, and all those affected by this senseless tragedy.