i’m going to law school!

i honestly didn’t think it would happen.

i’m not sure when or where in my life i started underestimating myself, but let’s just say it’s been my worst habit for at least two decades of my life (not excluding my bad taste in guys – until recently, of course – but we’ve been there already, so…or perhaps they’re related?). from walking away from a spot on the practice team for a really good traveling softball team with a really good coach at 13, to putting off applying to law school for 12 years, i’ve really just kept digging myself into a hole in the sand, keeping me from reaching my fullest potential.

but not anymore.

i start law school in the fall, and i’m equal parts anxious to start and terrified. part of me just wants to get in there and get to the part where i (hopefully) figure it out, and part of me is like, “shit, what did i get myself into?” it’s not easy and it’s not meant to be easy, and i am slowly coming to terms with that.

just because something is hard, though, doesn’t mean we should shy away from it. the one thing i’ve learned over the years is that no matter how difficult something seems, or how much it takes us out of our comfort zone, we survive it, and we’re better for it, even if we fail in some way. honestly, starting, taking the first step, initiating your plan, that’s the truly hardest part – every thing after that is really just showing up and putting in the work. now hopefully i’m not going to fail law school, but should the worst happen, i know i can get through it, as long as i show up.

i’m so excited for this new journey in my life. it’s been a long time coming, and i know it’s going to take me a while, but i’ve found something i truly love, and the end result will be so good for me and my people. and all i had to do was take that first step.

keep on, keepin’ on.

they say “misery loves company.” well, guess-fucking-what, y’all? while i can see that a miserable person would seek out to make others around them miserable, i also think that you have a choice to allow someone else’s misery to have an affect on your own happiness.

the key here is…you. only you have the power to determine whether you have a good day or bad day. are some things out of your control? yes. of course they are. humans are…well, human. they make decisions that are sometimes shitty and effect you. but you can choose to dwell on someone else’s crap day or you can just take a deep breath (or several) and move on. woosa.

i’ve had some down days, some hard days, some days when i just wanted to dial it in, but in the grand scheme of things, i’ve always known that when i’m going through something hard i’ll get through it. how can i know this you ask? well, because i have gotten through it. i’ve gotten through hard things. and maybe they weren’t the hardest things comparatively, but in my life, they were pretty hard. and yet here i am, living and breathing and writing to you about how you can get through it all.

so, trust that that miserable person who is sending miserable vibes your way, is probably going to get over it in time. and trust that you can overcome their negativity, and keep on, keepin’ on.

it’s friday!

i couldn’t let 2019 start without a proper “it’s friday” post, could i!?

well, i guess considering i haven’t done one since october, i probably could’ve gotten away with it…but new year, new attempt to make my way to this space more often…!?

this first week of 2019 can only be characterized one way. tiring. i’m still tired from 2018, y’all! i’m sure we all are, a little exhausted from the holidays. last night i fell asleep at 9:30! i’m hoping once i get back into my workout routine (which was put on hold thanks to being sick for 2 weeks) that i’ll have energy again.

do y’all have any fun plans for the first weekend of the year? i’m looking forward to making menudo with my grandma at my parent’s house tomorrow. grandma makes a big batch of menudo at the beginning of every year, and for the last couple of years she’s tried to teach my mom and i, but i haven’t retained any of her lessons. this year, i’m going to make more of a concentrated effort to remember the recipe and instructions.

other than that, i think we’ll have a fairly quiet weekend. maybe watch a few more episodes of the man in the high castle (is anyone else watching this? collin and i are obsessed!), get some reading in, and our normal chores and meal prep. nothing too crazy.

have a well-fed, recharging weekend, babes.

xoCandice

  • what i’m currently reading: belzhar by meg wolitzer. i feel like i found this book recommendation on somebody else’s blog, but i cannot for the life of me remember whose it was!
  • obsessed with this song right now: heart’s having a hard time by filmore.
  • the haunting last letters of sylvia plath. pretty sure y’all know i’m a plath fan, so i need to scoop up (and add to my reading list) volumes one & two of her massive correspondence. also, her journals.
  • looking for bathroom decor inspiration and stumbled across this blog post with so many perfect little details. i’m a little bit obsessed with everything decor right now, since we decorated the house for christmas, and now we’re taking everything down, i’m inspired to add more personal touches to our rental in the places that ordinarily get neglected (ie., our spare bathroom).
  • want. // need.

2019.

Plans for the new year:

to go in hand with my 2018 post – i also had no plans for resolutions. i can only resolve to be a better version of myself, every. single. day. and so here’s a list of things that i think will help me accomplish that goal.

  1. Write more. Determined to give myself 30 minutes of free writing a day
  2. Read more. Two (or more) books a month. Book list coming soon!
  3. Walk with Collin and Riley more. We have so much land to explore, I definitely want to take more advantage of it.
  4. Knock off 11 more minutes from my half-marathon PR. I already shaved off 4 minutes from 2017 to 2018.
  5. Really just have a better workout plan. I use the BBG app sporadically, and Collin and I try to make it to the park most nights (although not lately since we’ve both been sick, and I had some family in the hospital – it was hard to keep up).
  6. Make more of an effort to see my friends. It’s been a lonely time in San Antonio for me. Not that I take Collin or my family for granted, but I miss happy hours with Melissa, and I’ve really been missing my girlfriends from college. Two of them live within driving distance, so I really have no excuse not to see them! Plus, I really want them to meet Collin.
  7. Stop being so hard on myself. I’m my harshest critic. I even criticize myself for other people! I spent a good part of the last year feeling like I was failing and flailing, but truthfully I was just adjusting to being in a relationship, and moving in with Collin, and figuring out how to move forward in my career. I have to make a concentrated effort to breathe (which, being active really helps me with!).
  8. To go hand-in-hand with being kinder to myself, I also need to work on trying not to do it all. I’ve really run myself ragged some months, trying not to let anyone down, or overwhelming myself with stress, and it affected my relationships with other people, and myself. I’m still not one for binge-watching Netflix all day, but taking a few hours a week to just sit and be still is one of my priorities for this year.
  9. Financial responsibility. I’ve been sitting on my retirement from working for the state for too long, and really need to transfer it to my bank. Also, just set up a better method for keeping my emergency savings, travel savings, gift savings, etc., because sometimes it’s hard to keep track of it all.
  10. Spend more time with my grandparents! At the end of 2018, both of my grandmothers were sick, my Mom was in the hospital, and then I was sick for two weeks. It really put things into perspective for me, as far as how little time we have with our loved ones, and how important it is to take care of ourselves, and each other.

Bonus: Go on a trip with Collin. So far we’ve traveled with my family, Melissa & her bf, and his Mom, but we haven’t really gone somewhere new, just the two of us.

2018.

if you’re thinking i had a great 2018, just based on my top 9 photos on ig (above), well, then, you wouldn’t be too far from the truth. i did. there were some really great memories made. and i didn’t intend to do a recap of this year, or talk about how i’ve grown/learned/experienced life in 2018. honestly, it was the farthest thing from my mind in the last few weeks/couple of months. everything lately has been a whirlwind, and then suddenly i was sick and laid up for two weeks, and my mind doesn’t fare well when i’m still.

all of a sudden, everything felt incredibly difficult. and it was hard not to spend the last sunday of the year crying in bed, begging the universe to just give me a break, and a sign that everything would be ok. i finished a book. i snuggled with riley. and finally i went for ole faithful – the notebook in my nightstand.

as i was writing, i kept thinking, no one will want to read this (maybe in my mind it went more like, “no one should want to read this”). there’s too much sadness and hurt here. and you probably wonder why i would want to share this. i don’t – i’m a little embarrassed. but i am sharing it because it’s my truth. and one day, i want to be able to share that with my kids (if i’m ever lucky enough to have any). i want them to know it’s ok to feel a certain way, and that sometimes you have to let it off your chest to feel better.

so here we go:

i wish i could go back 14 years and do things over again.

i’m lying here, feeling sorry for myself. sad, lonely. i miss my friends. i wonder if i’m a good person or if i just think i am.

and it always comes down to “how did i get here?”

i’d do so many things differently. that softball tryout. i would’ve tried harder. gotten in shape after my surgery. i didn’t know i’d figure out 10 years later how much i love to run.

i wouldn’t have said that ugly thing to “d” at our last formal. i don’t even know why the words came out of my mouth.  she’s still my bestest friend.

wouldn’t have broken up with “j” in the way that i did (it was so wrong). still would’ve dated him. he was a sweetheart.

idk if i would do the “e” thing over again. there was a lot there, and he gave me Nola & riley. i definitely wouldn’t marry him. that was a mistake.

grad school, or law school, immediately after undergrad. i should’ve gone into publishing. i don’t think that would’ve brought me home though.

i should’ve come home that one thanksgiving. corinne was so upset. should’ve spent more time going to the movies with my sisters.

should’ve found collin before cz found me. should’ve found him before he went to arkansas (although maybe he needed that change of scenery). maybe we weren’t ready for each other then, but i wish i could know that for sure.

why does the world give you regret? and why does it hurt so much?

these are just a few of the things i have to forgive myself for. i’m know i’m not the only woman, or human being, or living animal in the world who feels like i’ve made my life exceptionally hard. i take full responsibility for the holes i’ve dug myself, leaving me in this funk of “when will it get better?” truth is, i don’t know. i don’t know if it will. maybe i’ll always feel tinges of regret (or, more accurately, guilt) for the things i did or didn’t do in my past.

so yes, while 2018 was a great year in so many ways, it was also a hard year. it was a year where i had to really look myself in the face and say, “ok, yes, this is where you are at now, and it’s so far from where you want to be, but you can get there.” i had to relearn to put my faith and trust in myself, and in my partner. i had to give a little more of myself than i was comfortable with in my relationship (and i’m really glad i did). i had to learn to take a step back for things not meant for me (walking away from backroad has been hard, but it’s really for the best) and stop putting so much pressure on myself.

i also had to realize that you can love someone with your whole heart, really want the best for them, even be willing to “take a bullet” for them, but you can’t continue to have a relationship with them if it feels toxic for you. constantly being told you’re not living up to their (incredibly high & unfair) expectations, being nitpicked all the time, feeling like they’re constantly judging you and your actions/interactions isn’t a great way to live – and sometimes you just have to let that person find their own way.

and now, i’m off to go find mine – here’s to a better 2019, y’all.

wishing you each the best 🙂

happy new year!

be open-minded and open-hearted. don’t be afraid to pursue the things (or people) you want. dare greatly. live your daydream. don’t be afraid to fail or to fall, you never know where it might lead. always hug your momma, give your dog a pet on the way out the door, and take a minute to look up at the night sky.

you get one life, babes. make 2019 your best year!

it’s friday!!!

my bestest friend.

last night, in bed, crying to myself, for who even knows what, other than just being exhausted, feeling overwhelmed, worrying about the future (mine, our country’s, the world’s) i had a moment of clarity.  had i not made the choices i had made, i might not have had the opportunity to have riley in my life (and this dog is sort of always my saving grace).  and that realization sort of trickled into a few others.  and slowly i started to relax, and to feel grateful again.

i’ve written on here a handful of times, that my path has always been a lesson, that i’ve always ended up in the place where i was meant to be.  and i believe that, truly i do.  it’s been hard, and it might get harder, but i always find a way to get through it.  and that’s what i need to focus on.  my strength.

it’s not a quick fix, and trust me, i am still feeling exhausted, and overwhelmed, and worried, but i know i’ll get through it.  i know i’ll get to the other side of this feeling.  one step at a time (like how i chose to avoid the news this morning, because i’ve had enough of hearing about kavanaugh for a lifetime…oh wait).

in other news, this weekend is my 10 year college reunion, and i’m pretty bummed i’ll be missing out (collin and i were supposed to be heading to mexico this weekend, but our plans changed).  backroad boutique will be live and in-person at the marketplace in old town helotes on saturday from 10 am – 5 pm (i’ll be showing up late).  we have a couple of new items coming in soon, that we can’t wait to share with our customers!

all i want to do this weekend is relax and decorate our house for fall, but we all know that’s not going to happen.  hopefully sunday i’ll get some down time between running and meal prepping!

i hope y’all have a happy and recharging weekend, loves!  on monday, we keep chugging along to midterms…

xoCandice