it’s friday!

y’all! four weeks in, and i’m still truckin’ along! i was a bit more tired this week, so i’ve decided this weekend will be all about getting ahead in my work so I can attempt to sleep normal hours during the week. we’ll see how that goes…the procrastinator in me runs pretty deep.

i did (hopefully) talk collin into a pizza date, so i’m really looking forward to that. y’know. the little things. i’m also on a mission to find some cheap planters because a couple of my plant-babies need new (larger) homes.

can i just tell y’all, what a difference an organized room makes in my life? we reorganized the office last weekend, so i can use it to study in (it’s much quieter in there than at the dining table) and it looks SO. GOOD. i’m dreaming of more plant babies to put in there (it gets a lot of sunlight), and possibly an armchair to read in comfortably (if we can get rid of the larger desk neither of us uses that takes up the majority of the space). also vacillating on whether the room needs a rug…hmm. decisions.

i really hope that this friday the 13th/full moon situation today flips my luck with my car. so far this month i’ve had to deal with replacing a headlight (which btw i can’t do because my sister had a light kit installed when she owned the car, and idk what to do with it!), replacing my windshield wipers (who knew the lock could break off, and the wiper could slide off?), and repairing a nail in the tire i literally just replaced in july. like, what? pretty sure this car is cursed, or hates me.

i hope you have a happy, restful weekend, loves!

it’s friday!

two weeks of law classes down, and, y’all…i can’t believe i didn’t do this before.

i don’t think i’ve ever in my life felt more like i was where i was supposed to be. it’s hard, don’t get me wrong. lordt, is it hard. but i have loved every single minute of it so far (well, maybe not the parts where i have to leave work early to go to meetings on campus, but that’s not an every week kinda thing, so i’ll get over it). i’m slowly settling into a routine, and learning so much about myself as a student again.

i finally made it to the gym wednesday morning. it sucks that i have to get up so early to fit my workouts in, but i don’t want to go without them. i’ll definitely take advantage of the treadmills at the school gym when it’s time to train for the half-marathon, but i still intend to get my weight training in at MixFit. even if it means i have to get up before 5 am 😫.

anyway, we have a long weekend (thank goodness) and i don’t have much planned (thank goodness again) besides studying and catching up on sleep. i hope everyone has a lovely weekend!

i’m going to law school!

i honestly didn’t think it would happen.

i’m not sure when or where in my life i started underestimating myself, but let’s just say it’s been my worst habit for at least two decades of my life (not excluding my bad taste in guys – until recently, of course – but we’ve been there already, so…or perhaps they’re related?). from walking away from a spot on the practice team for a really good traveling softball team with a really good coach at 13, to putting off applying to law school for 12 years, i’ve really just kept digging myself into a hole in the sand, keeping me from reaching my fullest potential.

but not anymore.

i start law school in the fall, and i’m equal parts anxious to start and terrified. part of me just wants to get in there and get to the part where i (hopefully) figure it out, and part of me is like, “shit, what did i get myself into?” it’s not easy and it’s not meant to be easy, and i am slowly coming to terms with that.

just because something is hard, though, doesn’t mean we should shy away from it. the one thing i’ve learned over the years is that no matter how difficult something seems, or how much it takes us out of our comfort zone, we survive it, and we’re better for it, even if we fail in some way. honestly, starting, taking the first step, initiating your plan, that’s the truly hardest part – every thing after that is really just showing up and putting in the work. now hopefully i’m not going to fail law school, but should the worst happen, i know i can get through it, as long as i show up.

i’m so excited for this new journey in my life. it’s been a long time coming, and i know it’s going to take me a while, but i’ve found something i truly love, and the end result will be so good for me and my people. and all i had to do was take that first step.

keep on, keepin’ on.

they say “misery loves company.” well, guess-fucking-what, y’all? while i can see that a miserable person would seek out to make others around them miserable, i also think that you have a choice to allow someone else’s misery to have an affect on your own happiness.

the key here is…you. only you have the power to determine whether you have a good day or bad day. are some things out of your control? yes. of course they are. humans are…well, human. they make decisions that are sometimes shitty and effect you. but you can choose to dwell on someone else’s crap day or you can just take a deep breath (or several) and move on. woosa.

i’ve had some down days, some hard days, some days when i just wanted to dial it in, but in the grand scheme of things, i’ve always known that when i’m going through something hard i’ll get through it. how can i know this you ask? well, because i have gotten through it. i’ve gotten through hard things. and maybe they weren’t the hardest things comparatively, but in my life, they were pretty hard. and yet here i am, living and breathing and writing to you about how you can get through it all.

so, trust that that miserable person who is sending miserable vibes your way, is probably going to get over it in time. and trust that you can overcome their negativity, and keep on, keepin’ on.

it’s friday!

i couldn’t let 2019 start without a proper “it’s friday” post, could i!?

well, i guess considering i haven’t done one since october, i probably could’ve gotten away with it…but new year, new attempt to make my way to this space more often…!?

this first week of 2019 can only be characterized one way. tiring. i’m still tired from 2018, y’all! i’m sure we all are, a little exhausted from the holidays. last night i fell asleep at 9:30! i’m hoping once i get back into my workout routine (which was put on hold thanks to being sick for 2 weeks) that i’ll have energy again.

do y’all have any fun plans for the first weekend of the year? i’m looking forward to making menudo with my grandma at my parent’s house tomorrow. grandma makes a big batch of menudo at the beginning of every year, and for the last couple of years she’s tried to teach my mom and i, but i haven’t retained any of her lessons. this year, i’m going to make more of a concentrated effort to remember the recipe and instructions.

other than that, i think we’ll have a fairly quiet weekend. maybe watch a few more episodes of the man in the high castle (is anyone else watching this? collin and i are obsessed!), get some reading in, and our normal chores and meal prep. nothing too crazy.

have a well-fed, recharging weekend, babes.

xoCandice

  • what i’m currently reading: belzhar by meg wolitzer. i feel like i found this book recommendation on somebody else’s blog, but i cannot for the life of me remember whose it was!
  • obsessed with this song right now: heart’s having a hard time by filmore.
  • the haunting last letters of sylvia plath. pretty sure y’all know i’m a plath fan, so i need to scoop up (and add to my reading list) volumes one & two of her massive correspondence. also, her journals.
  • looking for bathroom decor inspiration and stumbled across this blog post with so many perfect little details. i’m a little bit obsessed with everything decor right now, since we decorated the house for christmas, and now we’re taking everything down, i’m inspired to add more personal touches to our rental in the places that ordinarily get neglected (ie., our spare bathroom).
  • want. // need.

2019.

Plans for the new year:

to go in hand with my 2018 post – i also had no plans for resolutions. i can only resolve to be a better version of myself, every. single. day. and so here’s a list of things that i think will help me accomplish that goal.

  1. Write more. Determined to give myself 30 minutes of free writing a day
  2. Read more. Two (or more) books a month. Book list coming soon!
  3. Walk with Collin and Riley more. We have so much land to explore, I definitely want to take more advantage of it.
  4. Knock off 11 more minutes from my half-marathon PR. I already shaved off 4 minutes from 2017 to 2018.
  5. Really just have a better workout plan. I use the BBG app sporadically, and Collin and I try to make it to the park most nights (although not lately since we’ve both been sick, and I had some family in the hospital – it was hard to keep up).
  6. Make more of an effort to see my friends. It’s been a lonely time in San Antonio for me. Not that I take Collin or my family for granted, but I miss happy hours with Melissa, and I’ve really been missing my girlfriends from college. Two of them live within driving distance, so I really have no excuse not to see them! Plus, I really want them to meet Collin.
  7. Stop being so hard on myself. I’m my harshest critic. I even criticize myself for other people! I spent a good part of the last year feeling like I was failing and flailing, but truthfully I was just adjusting to being in a relationship, and moving in with Collin, and figuring out how to move forward in my career. I have to make a concentrated effort to breathe (which, being active really helps me with!).
  8. To go hand-in-hand with being kinder to myself, I also need to work on trying not to do it all. I’ve really run myself ragged some months, trying not to let anyone down, or overwhelming myself with stress, and it affected my relationships with other people, and myself. I’m still not one for binge-watching Netflix all day, but taking a few hours a week to just sit and be still is one of my priorities for this year.
  9. Financial responsibility. I’ve been sitting on my retirement from working for the state for too long, and really need to transfer it to my bank. Also, just set up a better method for keeping my emergency savings, travel savings, gift savings, etc., because sometimes it’s hard to keep track of it all.
  10. Spend more time with my grandparents! At the end of 2018, both of my grandmothers were sick, my Mom was in the hospital, and then I was sick for two weeks. It really put things into perspective for me, as far as how little time we have with our loved ones, and how important it is to take care of ourselves, and each other.

Bonus: Go on a trip with Collin. So far we’ve traveled with my family, Melissa & her bf, and his Mom, but we haven’t really gone somewhere new, just the two of us.

2018.

if you’re thinking i had a great 2018, just based on my top 9 photos on ig (above), well, then, you wouldn’t be too far from the truth. i did. there were some really great memories made. and i didn’t intend to do a recap of this year, or talk about how i’ve grown/learned/experienced life in 2018. honestly, it was the farthest thing from my mind in the last few weeks/couple of months. everything lately has been a whirlwind, and then suddenly i was sick and laid up for two weeks, and my mind doesn’t fare well when i’m still.

all of a sudden, everything felt incredibly difficult. and it was hard not to spend the last sunday of the year crying in bed, begging the universe to just give me a break, and a sign that everything would be ok. i finished a book. i snuggled with riley. and finally i went for ole faithful – the notebook in my nightstand.

as i was writing, i kept thinking, no one will want to read this (maybe in my mind it went more like, “no one should want to read this”). there’s too much sadness and hurt here. and you probably wonder why i would want to share this. i don’t – i’m a little embarrassed. but i am sharing it because it’s my truth. and one day, i want to be able to share that with my kids (if i’m ever lucky enough to have any). i want them to know it’s ok to feel a certain way, and that sometimes you have to let it off your chest to feel better.

so here we go:

i wish i could go back 14 years and do things over again.

i’m lying here, feeling sorry for myself. sad, lonely. i miss my friends. i wonder if i’m a good person or if i just think i am.

and it always comes down to “how did i get here?”

i’d do so many things differently. that softball tryout. i would’ve tried harder. gotten in shape after my surgery. i didn’t know i’d figure out 10 years later how much i love to run.

i wouldn’t have said that ugly thing to “d” at our last formal. i don’t even know why the words came out of my mouth.  she’s still my bestest friend.

wouldn’t have broken up with “j” in the way that i did (it was so wrong). still would’ve dated him. he was a sweetheart.

idk if i would do the “e” thing over again. there was a lot there, and he gave me Nola & riley. i definitely wouldn’t marry him. that was a mistake.

grad school, or law school, immediately after undergrad. i should’ve gone into publishing. i don’t think that would’ve brought me home though.

i should’ve come home that one thanksgiving. corinne was so upset. should’ve spent more time going to the movies with my sisters.

should’ve found collin before cz found me. should’ve found him before he went to arkansas (although maybe he needed that change of scenery). maybe we weren’t ready for each other then, but i wish i could know that for sure.

why does the world give you regret? and why does it hurt so much?

these are just a few of the things i have to forgive myself for. i’m know i’m not the only woman, or human being, or living animal in the world who feels like i’ve made my life exceptionally hard. i take full responsibility for the holes i’ve dug myself, leaving me in this funk of “when will it get better?” truth is, i don’t know. i don’t know if it will. maybe i’ll always feel tinges of regret (or, more accurately, guilt) for the things i did or didn’t do in my past.

so yes, while 2018 was a great year in so many ways, it was also a hard year. it was a year where i had to really look myself in the face and say, “ok, yes, this is where you are at now, and it’s so far from where you want to be, but you can get there.” i had to relearn to put my faith and trust in myself, and in my partner. i had to give a little more of myself than i was comfortable with in my relationship (and i’m really glad i did). i had to learn to take a step back for things not meant for me (walking away from backroad has been hard, but it’s really for the best) and stop putting so much pressure on myself.

i also had to realize that you can love someone with your whole heart, really want the best for them, even be willing to “take a bullet” for them, but you can’t continue to have a relationship with them if it feels toxic for you. constantly being told you’re not living up to their (incredibly high & unfair) expectations, being nitpicked all the time, feeling like they’re constantly judging you and your actions/interactions isn’t a great way to live – and sometimes you just have to let that person find their own way.

and now, i’m off to go find mine – here’s to a better 2019, y’all.

wishing you each the best 🙂