dream girl [excerpts from a book i’ll never write – twenty-two].

combing through my old drafts, searching for inspiration.  stumbled upon this one, not sure why it never got posted…

you fool yourself into thinking you know who she is, but nothing could be farther from the truth.  she is a kindness you have never witnessed before, bundled up in sass that could cut through the toughest steel.  she’s never aimed for sexy, that’s not her thing, but she’s got a little bit of hard-ass you’d never suspect coming.  she places her loyalty at your feet, and it’ll hold under the weight of broken promises and shattered dreams.  she’s a country song you have to dance to, the wind blowing through her hair as she speeds down backroads, a pile of books on the nightstand.  she’s the kind of person who would learn to make your favorite soup, even though she’d never eat it.  she’ll always remember your birthday, and never forget your first kiss.  she’s like a hummingbird, in constant motion, so when she slows down you know she needs the rest.  she’s a dream you’ll never wake from, nor will you ever want to.

it’s friday!!

Riley looking handsome post-haircut. ❤️

one more week til our paralegal certification course is dunzo.  i’m counting down the hours til i submit that last exam and do a little happy dance that it. is. all. over!  i can see the light at the end of the tunnel, y’all, and it’s so bright and cheery and i think i see a glimpse of a sunny patio with ice cold margs on the horizon, lol.

y’all, it’s the little things that make me happy, and i just have to gush about this one thing that collin did for me this week.  i love this book, but my sister has been holding my copy hostage since before lucas was born (she’s a slow reader, lol).  so, collin quietly went onto amazon, and bought me a new copy.  brain on fire:  my month of madness is such a good read and susannah cahalan recounts her medical mystery in such a compelling way, i couldn’t put it down.  i recommend it over and over to anyone who will listen, and even purchased it as a gift for a my supervisor for christmas.  i’m super-grateful to him for gifting me a new copy to set on my bookshelf.  y’all know books and food and music are the way to my heart!

on the agenda for this weekend:  steaks, chocolate and wine, this documentary, and maybe a friendly game of scrabble? 😉  on saturday, corinne’s bff (who was casee’s bff in hs) is getting married.  and sunday we’ll be celebrating granny’s bday at beto’s!  be sure to follow along on instagram. 🙂

have a lovely weekend, babes!

xoCandice

life update.

oh heyyyyy, y’all.

long time, no see.  i think we’ve done this enough times that i don’t need to go into specifics and details of why i’ve been m.i.a. – but just in case…

life, babes.  so much life.

i’m two weeks away from finishing up my paralegal certification course, and this semester has been heavy with homework (since i’m taking the class online).  the girls and i went on a cruise to costa maya and cozumel in early february.  we celebrated corinne’s birthday immediately upon our return, and then segued into rodeo season (i saw goo goo dolls, cam, brad paisley, and brothers osborne).  we attended the first botanical music festival at six flags.  SO MANY CONCERTS in the past few months.  like, i’m legit living my best musical life right now.  we also celebrated case’s birthday – she’s in her last year of her 20s!

let’s see…what else?

oh!  there’s a new (to you) guy – collin.  he’s the sweetest.  i won’t gush too much, we all know that’s not my style, but i’ve been into him for a long, long time, and it’s a little crazy and totally serendipitous that we have finally found each other at this point in our lives.  so, there’s that.

and i’m so happy.  incandescently happy.

we have been so busy the last couple of months, that i keep thinking i need to slow down and relax, but then more and more things come up.  for example, this weekend corinne’s best friend (who used to be casee’s best friend in hs, so has pretty much been family for the last 15 years or so) is getting married and we’re celebrating granny’s 79th birthday.  fiesta is on the horizon, so i’ll definitely be hitting up taste of nola, and maybe one or two other events.  later this month i’m heading up to dallas to reunite with some of the girls from rochester (which i’m really excited about, because i’ll be missing our reunion this year).  but honestly, i’m really looking forward to getting away somewhere quiet sometime soon with collin.  i think we both need it.

i’ll be back soon with more content, y’all.  pinky promise 😉

#MondayMotivation

healing is a process.  one that we sometimes don’t realize we’re in until it’s been completed.  as with all good things, it takes time.

my last relationship was a learning experience.  i learned the kind of person i didn’t want to be, and i learned the kind of person i didn’t want to put my faith into, and didn’t want or need to be a partner (i use that term loosely).

of course, i couldn’t do that if i kept looking over my shoulder.  i had to stare my future square in the eye and say, this is what i want, and this is what i don’t want, and this is how i plan to get there.  now, we all know that things don’t always go according to our plans, but having that determination and setting your sights on a goal can make such a difference in your healing process.  after a while, i was so far ahead of what i was trying to move away from, that it became just a blip in my past.  a thing i don’t even think about most days.

my point is this:  you find your strength when you learn to let go.  let go of your past, let go of people’s perception of you, let go of your regrets and your insecurities.  and what you have left over…that’s the person you’ve been looking for, all your life.

seesaw [excerpts from a book i’ll never write – twenty-one].

i think i love you.

but i wouldn’t dare say the words out loud.  wouldn’t dare speak them, or write them to you.

i think i loved you in a past life, too.  your soul feels like the other half of mine, which is impossible – because i am already whole, and yet, not.

knot – that’s what my stomach feels like when i feel you pull away, as i plunder forward, wanting more, always more.  ’til i plant my feet and say, “enough,” and retreat.  and we seesaw again.

new year’s day.

you can’t wait to wash the curls out.

they don’t feel like you.  you’ve always been more of a wave, slowly rolling, over and over, pushing some things out, pulling some things in.  you like your hair to match your spirit – wild, messy, not too perfect.

you thought the curls would lift your spirits, but they just made you feel less like you.  it was the perfect cold weather occasion, but you couldn’t shake the thought that you weren’t where you were meant to be.

so you’ll rinse the curls out, stand under the scalding hot water, let it strip away all the secrets you tried to hide in your hair, and start fresh.  isn’t that the way it’s meant to be this time of year, anyway?

#MondayMantra: happy new year!

“for what it’s worth:  it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.  there’s no time limit, stop whenever you want.  you can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.  we can make the best or the worst of it.  and i hope you see the things that startle you.  i hope you feel things you never felt before.  i hope you meet people with a different point of view.  i hope you live a life your proud of.  if you find that you’re not, i hope you have the courage to start all over again.”

-f. scott fitzgerald

i resolve to change nothing.

2017 was a year i could be proud of.  i said yes when i wanted, or no when i didn’t.  i traveled, and loved, and laughed.  laughed a lot, actually.  that’s part of the reason i chose the above photo from our trip to l.a. to do this post – i was laughing so hard at my sister because she was freaking out that i jumped up on this tiny ledge just to get a pic with the city in the background.  it was a chance, and a memory i’ll probably never forget.

this isn’t to say that i didn’t struggle.  because i did.  a lot.  but the struggle never outweighed the lessons or the memories.  i feel like this is the first year (and i hate to be so cliché about this, but it is what it is) that i really felt like myself.  part of it is that i stopped taking birth control in 2016, so my body is finally my body and i don’t feel as on edge as i used to, but there’s also the part that is that i wasn’t wasting away in a relationship that wasn’t meant for me.  if my 20s were about being in fruitless relationships, then i hope that my 30s are about this feeling i have right now, sitting alone in my bed, reveling in the knowledge that i can create my own happiness.  and by that i mean that if i never fall in love with another guy, i can still have all the things that i want and i can still leave the legacy that i wish to.

f. scott may have been a crappy husband and father, but he certainly knew his shit.  we are completely in control of ourselves, if nothing else, and that is enough.  there were a million times that i wished i could’ve been in a different situation, but i had to accept what i had to work with and just live.  and evolve.

so, instead of resolutions, i instead intend to live this next year with resolve.  i intend to continue to take chances, to put my heart on the line, to write, to love, to travel, and, most importantly, to grow.  i intend to live with a kind heart and an open mind.  i intend to live in such a way that when my time comes i leave this place better than when i arrived.  i intend to live a life i’m proud of.

happy new year, y’all.